Moving on

How do you move on when your heart tells you to hold on? How do you let someone go, after you have been waiting so long. Its never easy to let go.. It’s never easy to walk away from someone. It takes a lot of courage to walk away. To kiss the way you felt goodbye and just move on. You have been told over and over again, its not going to work out, yet everyone around you is telling you different and you don’t know who to believe. Normally when someone asks you why you like someone you have an answer, but for this particular person, I didn’t have one. Someone asked me and all I could say was “He is amazing”. I couldn’t come up with a reason why I wanted to be with him. Yea he is gorgeous and has a great body. Maybe I like him because of the way he looks, but I have never been one to go on looks. I always find the person inside as the thing that makes my heart flutter. The type of guy who would do anything for you and just be there whenever you needed a shoulder to cry on.


That’s another thing. I can be a bit too emotional at times, I can be a bit out of my element at times and it seems that when I am, I feel guilty for feeling that way. Why should you feel guilty about being who you are? If someone cant respect who you are, as you are. Then they are not worth the time, especially in a relationship. You should never change who you are so that someone will date you because of those changes. Like for example, I’m a heavier woman. I’m not fat and I’m not skinny, I am kinda in the middle. I happened to have found a certain guy who wanted a size 3 or smaller and then he automatically would pick them to be with because of their size. So automatically I wanted to be that size, but then I thought to myself, if I change my size for this one guy, who’s to say he will still want me? Or ever want me for that matter? You cant change the way you are to date someone. You need to be who you are and have someone love you for all your pros and cons. Ok so maybe you chew with your mouth open, maybe you pop your gum, whatever it may be, it’s a part of you. So be you! End of story!

 

Forgotten for a while...

Its tough when you cant see when your being used.  You think you know someone and you realize that apparently they are not who you thought they were. You sever all communication for a bit because of the fights you keep having and the pain you are causing one another and you then realize a month later that the holidays came and went and here you are trying to figure out how you let yourself get to the point of being used that bad. Where you couldn't say no even if you wanted to. Where it was always what they needed and not what you wanted or needed. The resentment builds until one day you explode. I loved this person very much and here she is pretending as though I never existed. No Merry Christmas, no Happy New Year, no communication at all. All because I couldn't make time to hang out with her. I know what your thinking, if you really care for someone you will make time for them. Honestly I was tired of the drama and constant emergency's that kept coming up, (mind you, they were not actual emergency's)  plus I started a relationship that was a full time commitment. Sometimes I wonder if the entire 2 years that I was friends with her, if it was a cover for the loss of a friend that I lost before she came around. Well I guess I will never know.

Hypocrites

Ask any of my close friends and they will tell you, the thing that drives me nuts and angers me to the highest level are hypocrites. But what happens when you become the hypocrite that you desperately hate? You become your own worst enemy. Your actions are impractical, your mood swings are erratic and you cant seem to settle in a main idea or thought long enough to sit down and write about it. That's what my life has been like the last few weeks. People can breakdown. It's a part of life, but how do you tell someone they are in the wrong with a straight face and the do the exact thing that they are being criticized for right after. There really is no right or wrong answer to this particular question. Being in my late 20's with no relationship, it seems to me that people tend to like to say one thing and do the opposite. It's not easy having a conscience sometimes. You wanna be bad, you wanna break free even though you know what your doing is wrong, but something compels you to continue on the path that will in the end, just end. No happy ending, no marriage proposal. It will just end. Is the agony of waiting and wondering worth it? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that every time you make a mistake you learn. I have learned a lot in my life so far so I guess one more mistake wouldn't kill anyone.


Reen

The right move?

How do you know when you made a right decision? How do you know that you did the right thing? Your heart was saying yes, but your head was just terrified. You meet someone. There is an instant spark.. You feel as though you and this person have known each other for years. You seem to be getting along great and the sexual compatibility is all there. You think to yourself, good job. We are gonna work out, just take it slow and don't cling. Then comes Saturday night, where you resent the way you felt because for almost a entire week he has said nothing to you. You feel used and mistreated. You feel like why would I bother with all the mushy stuff with this person if it wasn't going to work out? Why hasn't he called or texted? The real answer is I don't know. Lots of people get wrapped up into their own lives that it makes it almost impossible to have time for another. I either really gauged it wrong, or misread how he was feeling. There may still be hope, but there is just something off. I guess I just have to move on and work through it. Maybe he will come around, maybe not. Sigh* Finding a mate sucks sometimes. :(

Size of a woman's pants...

We all stress over it, we all hate the size that we are. We hate hips, legs, thighs, big noses anything to make ourselves feel like we aren't good enough. All because the television shows every celebrity as a skinny twig. You have to look like Barbie to make it. I will let you in on a little secret women. MEN LOVE CURVES! They don't want skinny rails with nothing to hold onto. If your a size 12 you are the average size in America of a woman. You can be the skinniest thing in the world with a horrible personality and a plus size girl with a amazing personality. Trust me, men like the ones with the cushion. If you wanna lose weight then do it. I want to lose some weight, but certainly not the curve of my body. I like my curve, I have learned to embrace it and its something that took me a long time to get over. Trust me, I curse my hips when I try to find some jeans to wear because they hardly ever fit right, but at the end of the day I still love them. Who would want to have sex with a skeleton? Bottom line: Love your body, and if you wanna lose weight find a partner to do it with and stick to it, but remember your beautiful no matter what size you are. :)


Reen

Poem

All the years of searching
All the tears that shed
The moments been ticking by
Are you still far ahead?

Fighting for survival
Planning out your life
Finding the one for you
Out does any price

You knocked me off my feet
Floating on clouds of endless lust
Daydreaming of the moment
You chip away the dust

Distance creates a bond
A yearning fighting chance
to prove to one another
you will fight for the romance

My heart grows fonder
Of all you say and do
So simply said and done
I wrote a poem for you.

This poem was written for someone very special to me.

How to tell someone how you feel..

How do you tell someone how you truly feel without scaring them? Well I wrote a poem recently for my boyfriend. He seemed to really like it, which is good, but I feel as though it only glazed over how I really feel. How many of us stifle the urge to say something to someone that we know may scare them away? The 3 scariest words in the world to some people are "I Love You" Those three words are so powerful that if you ever notice in a movie, someone is about to die they always say I love you so and so. People get all choked up and worked up about these three words. When most people don't even use those words in the right context. They don't fully understand that once those words come out of your mouth to your boyfriend/girlfriend etc.. That you can't take them back. Your telling them that your in this for the long hall and that you love them. You don't go out and cheat on them after the I love you's have been thrown. People do it though. I love you is a powerful word. Use it carefully and wisely. Its not a tool to get laid. REMEMBER THAT!



~Reen

Distance makes the heart grow fonder... True or False?

In the depths of a relationship that has just begin to blossom, do the words, distance makes the heart grow fonder really have truth to them? You don't spend enough time with the person.. You see them once a month if your lucky, but can you fall in love with someone who lives that far away? Can you know them with certainty and know how they live if you don't see them all the time. Long distance relationships are difficult. Nobody can argue with you on that. The constant lack of them being with you, can burn a hole into you that makes it hard to breathe.. What about those couples and you know who you are, who are with each other 24/7 with no distance. Does that make their relationship any stronger then the long distance relationship. The answer to that question would be no. Just because someone is right next to you all the time, doesn't mean the relationship is any better. Sure you have the proximity of that person, but the connection between the two of you has to have the 3 parts of the triangle. Emotional, Mental and Physical. I have written numerous times about that triangle and I believe very highly in it. So to answer the true or false question, I think it depends on the couple. As you get to know someone you learn their secrets even when your not together all the time. You learn what makes them tick, what makes them happy, what their favorite beer might be. You can have a successful relationship with someone who lives far away. You just really gotta trust one another and trust that you can do it. Cherish the moments you get when they are with you. It seems to me the memories might be a little more memorable when you only get a certain amount of time with them. That's just my opinion though.. You can make up your own mind.


~Reen

Apologies for not writing...

I have been out of the loop of writing for a little bit. I apologize to my loyal readers.

    What constitutes cheating? Is it a mystical moment of weakness? Is it a desperate attempt at attention? What are the rules of cheating if there are rules? If you are in a long distance relationship, does that change the rules? So many factors are included in long distance relationships. You never see one another, you never get the chance for intimacy, and then what happens when the idea of moving comes into play? You move all that way to live with someone you only get to see once a month.You get there and suddenly you realize you know nothing about this person. You have seen them 12 times in the last year. I am not saying that long distance relationships can't work, it's just they bring up a set of questions that maybe wouldn't normally come up. For example, if you go to a party and someone is interested, do you flirt? do you tell them your in a committed relationship? What do you do? I have a very good friend who is torn between two guys. Both guys live quite a ways from her. One 5 hours away and the other at least a day away in travel. She likes both men, she cares for both men, she has spent time with both men and she can't decide who she wants to be with. So she decided to be with both. Does this mean she is cheating? It's long distance and she see's them rarely. She is emotionally committed to both, but she asks me the question, am I a bad person for doing that? Am I a cheater? I honestly didn't know what to say to respond to her. I guess it's considered cheating, but when someone is so far away... what constitutes cheating? I'm not quite sure I even know the answer to that question. I am with someone right now who I care deeply for. He lives quite a ways away, but we try to make it work.. I guess in the end, you decide your own rules of cheating.. in the end it's you who has to live with the consequences.

~Reen

The triangle of 3

So in all relationships the common mistake people make is to try to make the relationship something it's not. They don't accept the other person for the person they are and they end up breaking it off because they cant deal that their boyfriend/girlfriend isn't perfect. No one is perfect. I know that better then most. The minute that someone looks perfect is when you have put them into a fantasy world. I believe to have a successful and healthy relationship you need the 3 parts of the triangle. The Emotional, the Mental and the Physical Connections. All 3 of those and your relationship should be smooth sailing. Not meaning you won't have fights, it just means that the commitment will be deeper then maybe a fling you once had. I can say with true sincerity that I have found someone who has given me the triangle. The Emotional is a part of a relationship that I think lacks the most. An emotional connection is one of the most important. It's how you feel about the other person. It's not being afraid to tell someone how you truly feel. It's a communication between 2 people. The mental is important because you want to make sure that your mentally on the same page. You want to make sure that they understand things the way you do and that you are both equally as smart as the other. Ever been on a date with someone who makes you feel stupid because they seem so much more intelligent then you? It sucks. And the 3rd one is physical. A lot of times this one is used in ways it shouldn't be. Physical does not mean emotion. It can if you have the emotion already in place, but having sex with someone does not make you closer if you haven't established something with them before you bring the physical in. From experience, its much better if you wait till the emotional and mental connection is there before you go rushing into the physical. Trust me. It's worth the wait.

One night

So one night you meet a guy. He is handsome, smart, funny and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. You guys sit and talk over dinner and get to know about one another. You find out all the normal answers to the mundane questions like "What do you do?" "Where were you born?" and "whats your favorite movie?" But then as the night progresses you realize that your actually enjoying his company. You both take a walk to your car and neither wants to night to end. So you end up at his place. You talk about movies, and music and finally the thing of writing comes up. You ask him if he writes and he answers just academically. You ask if you can read something he wrote, and he opens up his laptop and looks. He then hands you an essay he wrote for a class. He says "since your an actress read it aloud". So you begin. It seems to be going well till you start to get to the heart of the essay, realizing that this essay has details in it that are extremely personal to him. You continue reading, aware that he has now realized that he has given an emmense amount of information to you about his past. After your done reading it, you look at him and say the words "You have a good heart." He looks back at you and says "Don't say that." Is it possible you are the one person who makes him feel more like an actual person? People reading something that personal normally would run and hide. I don't run from that, I learn from it. As I sit here today writing a blog that I know only a few select will read. I can't help but think that I may have opened him up to something he has never expereinced. Part of me is terrified he will never call me again, the other side feels as though she had a night with a great guy who if he doesn't call at least she had a good night with a guy. Either way, the agony of waiting for a phone call, can feel like a lifetime.

Do what you love

"Do what you love" is a saying I have been struggling my whole life to figure out. My life revolves around the arts. I watch the academy awards in hopes that some day I will get one of those, I listen to music and envision what it would be like to be on stage in front of millions of people performing. So when someone says to me Do what you love. The arts is the only thing that comes to mind. Sure I want to be a teacher, but I would rather be in the arts for the love of it. I want to do something I love. It's time I did something about it and put myself out there.

Cell Phones

Since when has it been ok for someone to go through your cell phone without permission? To wait until your sleeping, and then go through your cell phone and get all pissed off when they see something they don't like. First off, it's not their property. Second of all, they should not have any reason to not trust you, because the minute they start going through your phone without your knowledge, is the minute they started not trusting you. It really frustrates me when people do that. It happened to be a few days ago. I had been dating this guy for about a month or so and we felt the time had come for us to spend the night together. He didn't exactly live close to me, so the opportunity arose. Anyhow, so the second night he is here, I roll over to go to bed and about 20 min of trying to go to bed and bam he is slamming doors and getting all pissed off. I turn over and ask what is going on, he replys "Why don't you ask Matt?" I am quite dazed as to exactly what he is talking about, until it hits me. He went through my phone while I was sleeping. Instantly it turns into a fight and lets just say the dating between us stopped. I refuse to be with someone who doesn't trust me, plus thats a complete control freak as well. Well goodbye to him, but seriously girls... Who the fuck does he think he is? It's like going through a woman's purse. It's a major No NO!

Been a while..

I apologize in advance for my absence for the past few months. Life can get hectic when you have school and finals and things of that nature. The most recent thing that happened to me is that I had a revelation the other night. I was sitting in my room, listening to Josh Groban and his song "Per Te" and it came into my mind that I loved this song, but had no idea what the song was about. I decided to google it, and after I did so, I realized that I liked the song even better after knowing the words. I also came to the realization that songs that are sung in different languages sometimes have more powerful lyrics then ones in English. For example in an English song you might hear "Oh baby, I love you so much" versus in an Italian song you would translate the song into "You are my everything, I am nothing without you, you are my soul and reason for existence" Which one would you want your love to dedicate to you? I'm thinking the Italian one. lol

Dr. Phil Show

So I was recently on the Dr. Phil Show to talk about my past relationships. I must admit at first I was a little scared to admit the horrid stories and details of the gruesome relationships I had been in, in the past. After a bit of thinking about it though, I realized I should do it and went on the show. I am giving the link for any of my followers who want to see it. It will Air on Dec 4th. http://www.drphil.com/shows/listing/?localListing=CA&formAction=save 

Thanks for everyone's support in reading my blogs :)
 

Dream...

So dreaming is something that everyone does. We all have those moments where we wake up and are completely dumbfounded as to why we had that dream. I had a dream like that last night, and at the current moment I can't say why my subconscious had my ex in the dream, but in the coming weeks, I will. It started off like sort of the Family Stone. If you have seen the movie, you will understand what I am talking about. The relatives I have at the house, I have never seen before, but I know they are related to me. Suddenly my ex J walks into the kitchen. He comes up to me and instantly apologizes for what has happened and I just turn around and face my back to him. I then can hear F"s laugh in the other room and I turn around and say to him "You brought her?" He then says "I'm engaged, and you know me and you wouldn't have worked out in the long run." then out of no where he suddenly kisses me and he won't stop. He opens the door to the back yard and pulls me through it, still holding me. We then went around the corner of the house and proceeded to have passionate sex behind it. The entire time it's happening he is telling me that he loves me and he is so sorry. We finally stop and then walk back up the path to the house. He lets go of my hand and then walks back into the house. My sister (played by Rachel Mcadams) comes outside and asks what's wrong. I wake up right then...

When you dream..

When you dream of someone they say that, that means that that person is thinking of you. I think that particular saying is complete and udder bullshit. I doubt that the guy or girl that broke your heart into a million pieces and basically ruined who you were at one point, is gonna look back and regret what he or she did. Most people who are vindictive and horrible to others, don't even realize their mistakes. It can take months or even years later till they realize what a horrible person they were. If you bf or gf cheated on you, they moved on and they don't care what happens to you. Now there are exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. So in other words, when someone walks away, just leave it alone and if they pop up in a dream, they are just part of the sub conscious of your brain, nothing more.

Losing someone you care about..

I am sorry I have not been able to write as often. When life gives you lemons you gotta try to make lemonade. My good friend Jesse Perez past away this last week from Sarcoma Cancer. Today I went to the burial and made my last respects to the family and to say my goodbye to him. Death is never an easy thing to deal with. I watched his family break into tears and his father raise his hands several times to the sky. Once the doves were let go, I broke down. It's hard watching someone who was only 23/24 years old die so young. You will always be remembered Jesse, for your kind heart and loving personality. You were one of the most talented actors I know and I'm sure you have a center stage role in heaven. RIP Jesse P.

FWB?

Is it better to be Friends with benefits with a guy then in an actual relationship? Think about it for a second. In FWB you don't have to constantly call the person or worry about what they are worried about. You can call them up if you wanna hang out with no strings attached and just do what you love to do. You don't have to worry about going out with your girlfriends in worry that he will get jealous and ruin your entire night. There is no pressure at all to do much of anything. It's an agreement between 2 people that they are only going to stay friends with benefits. Now, here is where it gets tricky. As a woman whenever we have sex with someone there is some sort of emotional attachment that you get with a man. The thing about FWB is that you have to be careful not to fall for the guy. It is possible to go from FWB to a relationship, but normally it isn't a good idea, hence why after I go past a certain level I can't just stay friends with someone. FWB is a good idea when the two people are in agreement that it will never go past just FWB. If you do have a FWB person then just make sure your careful. Your heart is an important organ and you don't want to let yourself down by overdoing it.

Affecting the current flow...

After having a few dates with a guy and getting to know him as a person and if he is compatible with you, the inevitable question of the ex always seems to pop up. They want to know what happened, why it happened, where it happened and all of the questions that you still may have in your brain as well. When we date someone new, is it ok to tell your new guy about what happened in your last relationship, or do you keep it to yourself? When a new guy comes into your life, you feel as though you are ontop of the world, nothing can bring you down, nothing can jar you, until the question of the ex pops up. You want the guy your with to know what you have been through, but there is a hesitation to tell him. What if he thinks that your still in love with your ex? What if he thinks you went way out of proportion with what happened between you and the ex? And how do you know when to shut up? How many times have people asked us about our ex's and it turns into a 30 minute conversation that we really didn't want to go into. In reality what I am trying to get at is that relationships in the past, can greatly affect a relationship your in now. It can go both ways. So just be careful when giving information about an ex. The way the break-up happened can tell a lot about a person. For example: If you were one of those women to take a hammer to a guys X-box the minute something goes wrong, then that might tell a guy that you have buttons that he may not want to even go to. You have to be careful when you talk about ex's. They can be a bomb that can explode and make your new flame, not so interested in you as you were thinking. Ex Boyfriend Drama = Men running in the opposite direction.

A New Chapter...

As my life seems to be changing before my very eyes, sometimes you have to change your something for your lifestyle choice. I have joined a Gym and work out every day for at least an hour. I am eating healthier and feeling better and the weight is slowly thinning away. I have just been given a job promotion at work with a hefty raise and I start school in less then a week. A lot on my plate and yet I feel something is missing. Is it a man? Is it lack of sleep? Is it a something? No, it's a haircut. Some women when they feel that life is going somewhere different decide to shop, date lots of men or even get a bikini wax. Me, on the other hand, when I feel like needs a change. I cut my hair, and maybe color it. I need a change for my new school year coming up. It feels like finally for the first time in my life, I don't need a man. I don't need someone to nag me about every little thing, or worry about saying the wrong thing. This time is about me and for the first time in a long time, I like it that way. Sure I will go on some dates here and there, but they aren't serious. I am getting serious about myself and my life, and I must say... It feels so good.

Getting on the train, or missing it..

So for all you ladies out there that suffer from hating men because of their gamer addiction problem, sorry to say but you will never overcome this addiction. Men, apparently no matter what the age, when it comes to certain sports and certain video games, can't seem to lay off or pay attention to anything else while engrossed in these activities. This to me seems odd. One night while I was in a relationship, way long ago, I had a boyfriend who was addicted to video games, one particular video game in particular Call of Duty Black Ops. The one video game I despise now and probably always will. This particular game was so popular, there were Red Bull girls who were half naked at the midnight party at Game stop. Seriously, do we really need half naked chicks at video game openings? Yes, unfortunately I went. That's what good girlfriends do for boyfriends with an addiction. Anyhow, to continue, I went to Victoria Secret one afternoon and picked out something really special, I figured I would surprise him. When I got home from the mall, there he was on the television playing, yes you guessed it, Black Ops. I immediately thought to myself I will give him a few hours and then change into the sexy red lingerie I had picked out. 4 hours later, I decided to finally change into it, with him still playing the game. As I opened the door, I figured he might look to the side to see me, but no such luck. So I did the only thing I could think of at the moment. I walked right in front of the T.V. and smiled. He finally seemed to see me and he said the worst thing you could possibly say to a woman in this particular instance. He said "Babe, your in my way." How could he possibly say that when I'm in lingerie giving him sex in a nutshell? I instantly got sort of pissed and walked out to go put my clothes back on. I decided to go to bed early that night and at around 2am or so he finally came to bed with his own agenda. I turned him down flat and turned over to go back to bed. The mere thought of him trying was infuriating. You had your chance when I was standing in front of you in new lingerie, and you didn't take it. I am not giving it to you now, you missed the train, maybe it will stop in your neighborhood again in a day or so. The men I have told this story to find it incredibly hard to understand. Given the opportunity between sex and video games, most of my guy friends picked sex. It amazes me that some men are just born to ignore all the important parts of a relationship and society.. If I wanted sex earlier, what makes you think that when it's convenient for you, I am gonna open my legs. Like I said, if you miss the train... TOO BAD!

Picking up women..

As I was at the Gym tonight working out for my triathlon in December, My friend C. and I started talking about all the hot awesome men that were in the gym at the same exact time as us. The question arose of whether or not the gym would be a suitable place to meet a man. The more women work out, the more men seem to like them. It shows that they care about their body and want to look better. So why not pick up a man at the gym. It can't be the worst idea in the world. We also talked about how at least if you were hit on at a gym at least the guy would be sober. So many times you go to bars and a man will come up to you and hit on you and you can't tell if he is drunk or sober. At least at a gym if a guy comes up to hit on you, you know he's sober. You know that it's not just the alcohol talking. So many times when men get drunk, they want to get laid and they don't care by who because they are drunk. At least at the gym you know that the man can see clearly. Makes you feel a little better when you get hit on at the gym. I go there not only to get fit and in shape, but also so that I can give my eyes the luxury of some eye candy.

Dreaming about Death?

I had a dream last night that freaked me out to no extent, but then I read online about what the dream meant and was much more pleasantly surprised! 

 DREAM MOODS DICTIONARY:

To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol.  Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

Girlfriend Material?

As I sit here on a hot heated night drinking a glass of wine, I can't help but think about that last horrible relationship fail that happened to me. When a guy tells you that he doesn't want to date, normally you would just shrug it off and move on. But what if you really like a guy? I have been interested in this guy for over a year and I was being very patient. Do you just give it all up or tell him you will just stay friends? Well I decided to tell the guy I liked that we could stay friends. Big mistake on my part, because not even a week ago, he sent me a message on Facebook asking if he could come see me on Sunday, after his date. As I read the message over and over in my head, I figured when he said date he meant like a friend date with N. his good guy friend. I immediately messaged him back saying sure. About 2 days after Sunday had come and gone, I got another message from him saying that his date had gone longer then expected and obviously he wasn't going to be able to make it. I figured he forgot what day it was. I shrugged it off and just let it go. 2 days later I get another message asking me if we could hang out that Friday night. I replied with well I hope it doesn't get in the way of your date, trying to come up with a sly remark back to him. He replied with, "She is an old friend that I thought I had lost my chance with, but we are trying again."When I heard that I immediately told him that I was not only busy on Friday night but was also disappointed that he knew how much I liked him, yet he still decided to date someone else. He replied with "We'll talk later." That was over 3 days ago. I know that men can change their minds and give no excuse what so ever about why... but why did it have to be him? Am I not girlfriend material? Am I not someone that someone can desire and want? Why when a woman likes a man do they instantly run when they find out? These are answers I may never answer, but for now, I am standing up proud and saying goodbye. Men work in weird ways sometimes. Oh well.. I guess onto the next one!

Certain things to never say...

Are there certain things that you aren't supposed to say when you are in a relationship? How far do the boundaries really go? Can you tell a woman that she looks fat in that dress, or is that frowned upon because you will hurt her feelings. When a man asks you a question about him in bed... Do you tell him what you really think or do you just pretend that it's all good. Being honest in a relationship is important, although on the other hand can bring the relationship to disaster. Think about if every time you wanted to tell someone what you honestly think, how many times have you stopped yourself? Sure we have all thought about it, but there are only a few select people who will actually say it. Those people are either considered conceited and jealous of the other person, or just a flat out bitch or dick. There is no real way to avoid the certain things that we all wish we could say in relationships. I remember this one time, when a guy broke up with me by text message and when I asked the inevitable question "Did I do something wrong?" His answer took me by surprise. He said "To be honest, Yes you did." At that point you have two options, either ask and see what you did wrong, or just forget it and move on. Asking might hurt you even more then not. I decided at that moment to just drop it and that was it. Why agonize over the way you are? You are who you are and what annoys one person, may not annoy all people. You just gotta be prepared to answer the hard questions, even when you don't want to.

I'm Not Who I was...

This song fits me perfectly. I hope you take the time to look it up and listen to it. 

"I'm Not Who I Was"
 By Brandon Heath

 I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

The Devil Wears Prada

"The Devil Wears Prada" although it is a phenomenal movie, has a major character flaw.  Anne Hathaway's character Andy doesn't do what she wants to do, or what she should. The scene where she is running down the stairs to make it to her boyfriend's party on time and is stopped by the writer that she admires. He tells her that she has the opportunity to meet with his editor of New York magazine and she turns it down, due to being late for his birthday. You should always do what is best for you. Never let a man stop you from doing what you want. If she had stayed, if her boyfriend wasn't such a prick, he would have understood and been happy she may have gotten a better job. It pisses me off that she is with someone who doesn't support her with her changes in life. Never be with someone who doesn't support you in your best time.

Tragic..

Due to the unlikely events that have taken place, I thought I would take the time to talk a little about what happened last night July 19th at 12:25am in Colorado at a theater for the Premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. A man walked into the theater and open fired on the packed theater full of all ages and walks of life. He had no one in particular that he wanted to target, but just walked in and started shooting. He was dressed like the Bane character in the movie, with bulletproof vests and a gas mask. I can't seem to wrap my head around why someone would do such a horrible thing. I want to take a moment to send out my internet prayers and send out my heart to the families that have lost loved ones or been injured. This was an act of violence that should have never occurred. You buy a ticket to a movie and you think your safe, you assume that nothing bad could happen while sitting in a movie theater, but apparently we were mistaken. The world is a scary place, and sometimes bad people do bad things that affect others so deeply that their lives are never the same. Being caught in a cross fire of bullets while watching a movie in a theater gives a whole new meaning to the word 3D. It is a tragic day for many, and it will be remembered that on that morning, someone did something that will never be forgotten and not in a good way.

Sex in a relationship?

If your not compatible sexually is it a doomsday for the rest of the relationship? I have had things with men in my life where the only thing going for us is the sexual compatibility. You can’t talk to them about anything and when your with them all you wanna do it hop in the next bed with them. I have also had the opposite with men. We get along great personality wise. He is funny and charming and has all the things a girl could want, but then when you kiss.. It feels like your kissing a guppy or worse you get slobbered on so that you feel as though you just kissed a Saint Bernard. I don’t have the answer to this question yet, It is still registering in my brain. It does bring up the question, how important is sexual attraction to you? It’s like I mentioned in the other column, I once dated a womanizer and that was amazing sex, and then there was a time when I dated a regular great guy and the sex was horrible. So it brings the question up. How important is sex in a relationship?

Strippers..

I find it horribly saddening and upsetting that men can go gawk at women at a strip club, but then when we go to see "Magic Mike" we get ridiculed about it. We are sexual beings too.. I like sex as much as the next woman.. I like to enjoy myself.. I like to have fun and I love hot men! lol.. What woman doesn't? Magic Mike is a movie that women can enjoy without even having to leave their house. In movies nowadays there are so many movies where woman are constantly getting naked. I can't tell you how many times I have seen women topless in movies, especially with the strip club scenes. I don't think I have seen one movie that had men as naked as they are in this movie, but you know what I have to say to that? ABOUT TIME! I am sick and tired of seeing boobs every 10 minutes in movies. I want to see men stripping and showing abs and ass's. It's about time that women can enjoy the sexual experiences of movies the way men can. I say make a "Magic Mike" 2-14. Let us enjoy the time we get with our sexual fantasies and wants. Sexual Power to women all the way :)

Signature position...

A signature sex position that isn’t the normal kind. I was enjoying myself one night with this guy and everyone had just left the room. We had closed the door and locked it and as he walked towards me, I couldn’t help but lose my breath. When he got to me, he wrapped his arms around me and we kissed, as we kissed he slowly started to push me onto the bed, but guess what? We totally missed and I ended up on the floor. I couldn’t help but think that the ironic part of it was that, it killed the moment but at the same time made it stronger. He asked if I was ok and then proceeded to fall onto the bed himself, he then missed the bed and fell himself. Making it twice as funny now that we both were on the floor. What made this a signature sex position, was the fact that then the next time we slept together, he fell on purpose to lighten the mood.

Man-anizer

My friend brought to my attention tonight that I was a mananizer. I don’t sleep with lots of men or anything but was addicted to the idea of men. I love men, the smell, the masculine way of them, the chiseled abs and amazing legs. I just never could seem to get enough of men. I have always been the kind of person to be totally into men. Ever since I was little even. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I loved men and even when I was in a relationship I always was into my man. It has always been a thing for me. Men was the equivalent of chocolate for me, and I hate chocolate. Ironic huh? So many women love chocolate but not me You are completely addicted to it and can’t ever seem to get enough of it, and once you had your fix for the day, you just seem to want more the next day.

Sex-capades

So what do you do when a guy your sleeping with tells you, your not adventurous enough? You go for a new position hoping that you will like it, but what if that doesn't work? Whats wrong with one position... why are all these men into all these different positions? Isn't sex supposed to be about the connection and shit between two people and a loving and wonderful thing... Now it just seems like it has turned into a who's the most flexible woman Olympics. I miss the times when sex was about the connections instead of the I'm the man so I make the rules bit. I am the woman with the parts and i control what happens. Ladies.. don't let your men take over the bedroom.. Be confident and you will find the right guy who will respect what you want :)

Sucks..

So what do you do when you have feelings for someone, but you know it will never work out. There are fun moments that you are excited about and maybe you and him are on a level that you have never been on, but you know in your heart that you will never be with him. You have a connection on a very sexual level, but he already has told you that he never wants to get married and he never wants to have a relationship with anyone ever again. The more you spend time with him, the more you want him, and then you find yourself tickled with good vibes when you think about how good the two of you would be together. Sigh* I guess I will have to just live without him that way and enjoy what I have... Sucks for us girls sometimes...

Confused...

     So what is it with men who believe they are confused as they call it. They don’t know if they want to be with you... the don’t know if your what they are looking for... I say fuck that! If you don’t know if I'm the one then date me and find out. I have found so many men lately who give me the excuse "I have a lot on my plate right now, I am going through some stuff, Women are just too much drama to deal with" the list goes on and on. What I thought at first was maybe its me? Maybe I am not pretty enough or fashionable enough or skinny enough for this person, but my second thought overthrew the first. If these guys are making up excuses as to why they cant date me.. then they must not really like me, they are trying to find a way to let me down easy without killing my self esteem or something. I personally think they are being chickens.. If they don’t like someone, don’t tell them that you have a lot of stuff going on, just tell them the truth.
    
     Now under extreme circumstances maybe they really do have something major going on. But then apparently I must have a magnet on me for men who have disasters happen to them. I hate mixed signals. I like you, but not enough to drop whatever lame excuse I am making up to take you out to dinner. I have to say.. Those type of men just irritate. Women watch out for the sweet talkers too! They are killer good at that! When Prince Charming comes along which I believe no matter who you are, you have one out there someplace. He will drop what he is doing whether it be laundry, watching a movie or picking up dog crap from the backyard and take you out on a date. If you like a woman enough you make time for her! End of story!

No fairytale

What do you do when the man you thought you knew, the man you cherished and cared for does a move that completely throws you off guard? How are you supposed to respond? Are you supported to just nonchalantly throw him out of your life? Are you supposed to forgive him or what he put you through? See here’s the funny part. He told me all of it.. He told me there would be no emotional attachment, he told me there would be no relationship, he is the way he is and that was the end of it. Although in my mind, it wasn’t. I thought I could make him into someone who wanted me. If I said and did all the right things, he would magically change his ways and see the truth. That we were made for each other, that there was no way in hell that we weren’t supposed to be together.
    
     Then I realized, unlike the life I wish I could lead. This is not like the story about Cinderella where he see’s her, says she is gorgeous, she loses her shoe, he finds her and they life happily ever after. This is more the real life story. He see’s her, thinks she is cute, flirts with her, makes her think she has a shot and then leaves her in the dark with nothing but her mind in a cloud of smoke going, where did I go wrong? Hell of a fairytale if you ask me. Maybe they should just flat out make books like that so that women will not grow up thinking fairytale’s exist. The imagination would eventually catch on. Someone will eventually come up with their own fairytale in their head and live happily ever after in their own world. We all have our own fairytale, some of us want to be movie stars and others want to be lawyers, some of us want to live in the country and nothing pleases some of us more then to live in the city. In the end you make up your own happy ending, so then why do so many people end up unhappy?
    
     What is the one thing that can make all your hurt and pain go away? Love. And what is the one thing that also can do the opposite? Pain, anguish, and just downright depression. Love. So why do we do it? Why do we constantly get into the battle of love? Why love at all? For some of us, it is the chance of finding a happy ending that is the best part, for others it is the chase that we love, for some even it might be the idea that love can conquer all. No matter what… through thick and thin, through rocks and oceans. The idea that Mr. Perfect is out there someplace still makes us all smile. It’s just finding him that is most the battle.

Relationships

So as I was sitting here watching my favorite show, it occurred to me. People try so hard to get into relationships, for a possibly heartbreak down the line.. Is it worth it to start a relationship, if it might again end up in heartbreak? The answer to that question is yes. In every relationship we are in, we always learn something, whether it be something small like how to eat with chopsticks or something big like realizing that you want children when you didn’t before. Every relationship is different. There may be parts that you may have de ja vu with and there may be things said that you might have remembered hearing before, but when it comes down to it. Every relationship works differently. The point is, once you get your heart broken, we all think it’s the end of the world.

     We think to ourselves that we may never love again, we have decided to just be lesbians and be done with the male population. The thing to remember while going through it all is that you can survive.. You can go on and you will move on. Now in some magazines it is said that to figure out how long it will take you to get over someone, take the time you were together and cut that in half and that should be the time it will take to get over them. That my friends is a crock. I was with a guy for 1 full year and it took me 2 years to fully get over him. Now, don’t think I'm pathetic or anything.. But it just depends on how hard you fall for someone and how you work as a human being.
  
      I have friends who are with guys. They break up and move on with a new man in less then 2 months. Unfortunately I have not had that privilege. I am a person who does everything with her feelings. I am run on emotions and yes that can be a great thing but also can create problems that you weren’t prepared for. For example: When you fall for a guy who has no emotions.. He doesn’t want to share, he just wants to be physical and go out to eat, that’s when I catch myself. I rarely date the guys I actually should because like most women in America I think they are all too good for me, and I wouldn’t have a chance in a million years. The truth is, the confidence level you have can play a major part in what types of guys you attract.

Mixed Signals

Mixed signals. The one thing that guys are the experts on. They can tell you one thing and do the complete opposite and give you the lame excuse well “Actions speak louder then words”. The one line that every man gets the option to tell someone when you get in a fight and he spits out hurtful words to you and then the next day comes home with flowers for you to make it all better. Hey you know what? Actions might speak louder then words, but you still said the words and I heard them and guess what? They still hurt!
     No matter what someone tells you I think that one of the most powerful things about being a human is the pleasure to hear. Although I also think that the thing that gets most people in trouble in life is the ability to hear. We can hear beautiful music and it makes us lose our minds into a place where no one can touch you or hurt you. And then you hear fighting and hurtful words that sting like a bee and those sometimes are the hardest to deal with. Although he said I’m sorry and brought you flowers.. The relationship is never the same again, because deep down you still remember what he said and it still hurts no matter what.
     Some men love to speak without thinking and women, you better watch out for those ones. They have no idea that what they say could have potentially hurt your feeling. Everyone has things they want to say to another person but don’t because of the fact that if they did, they would feel like a horrible person for saying it. It might be the truth, but the truth does not always set you free. You could really hurt someone’s feelings. I think Mixed signals are the same way. It can really hurt someone’s feelings to give them false hope of something that isn’t going to happen. Men seem to have the mixed signals idea down to a tee, so women beware!

Wrap up

Wrap Up



You hurt me in all ways
Shapes sizes and forms
With not a breath of dignity
You suddenly transformed

I cried tears of pain and anger
From the depths of my soul I did
You made me think what we had
Would mend a broken grid

Its hard to let you go,
It will happen in time
I just hope I can hold out
Till the end of this rhyme.

Where are you now?
Happy as can be
While I’m here sulking
With a bitter taste of defeat

You told me when we met them,
that she reminded you of me
I should have taken that as a sign,
That she would soon outdo me

You spent a lot of nights there
Kinda strange in a way
To spend so much time with a couple
who eventually broke away

You and her became close
you said she’s a sister to me
I trusted you and thought it was ok
Little did I know, stupid me

She seemed exciting to you
A slut in most eyes
I guess your dick was leading you
Unable to give clear eyes.

I thought you were the one for me
Forever me and you
I think it’s time you know
I’m getting over you.

Friends

I would not have gotten through all the crap with J. without my friends. Friends really do come in handy when you have a broken heart. For a long time I thought that in order to be happy you had to be in a relationship. Instead I realized that to be happy you have to have a handful of friends that you can count on for when the man in your life disappoints and you don't know where to go. I have a handful of friends and I am ok with that. Friends are what help you get by and call him an asshole when you miss him. They always remind you of why the two of you broke up in the first place when you start telling stories of him, they even know when to ask if your ok because they can tell your not yourself.

     I have a few friends in particular that come to mind. Jesse. Maddie and Mersadez.  I have known Jesse for almost 8 years, we have been through the good, the bad and the ugly and still we stick by each other and never lose the friendship. Every time we see each other it feels like old times. He knows me, loves me and understands me. Now Maddie. I never thought I would have such a strong bond with a girl after what the last few girls had done to me. She means the world to me. She would listen for hours on the phone and in person about me and J.. She always would be there to cheer me up or hold my hand. She understands me better then any girl I have ever met and although she is living in Santa Barbara now.  I still will consider her my closest girlfriend. She doesn't judge and we are sisters to the core. I always tell her Till death do us part. She is what made me the happiest. I owe everything to her for getting me out of my slump and helping me realize I don't deserve the treatment I got. Mersadez is my other half.. We always joke that if we put the two of us together, we would make one whole person.She is the sensible one and I am the dreamer. She understands I am a little more emotional then most. I write from the heart and me and her have that Creative Writing vibe. She understands that sometimes I need someone to listen and she does that for me. Without these 3 friends I don't know what I would do.I am not saying that my other friends didn't help. Mike, Linda, Courtney and countless others helped me through this hard time. I am just saying that through the hard times when I needed a friend, no matter what my boy and 2 M's were there! 

Dream 7/7/12

The dream I had last night was one of the hardest I think I have ever had to deal with. It was a dream about me and my last ex J. We were a couple and at someone's picnic. We were holding hands and hanging out till he got a phone call on his phone and walked out to take it. I hated that he always walked away when he was talking to someone, as if it was in secret. I then walked back to watch him on the phone and one of the waiters told me he was talking about breaking up with me on a phone call. I figured I knew who it was, and I pushed through all the people to get to him. As I was approaching him, he hung up the phone and smiled. I asked him who it was and he replied "_____" who at the time was just a friend, or so I thought. I went up and asked him if he was going to break up with him, and he told me of course not. He loved me and wanted to be together. I then hugged him and a photographer at that moment decided to come and take our picture. I refused to let him go so he took them revolving around him. I smiled as we took each picture and he was smiling as well. All my friends that had gathered said they had never seen me so happy before. Finally the last shot came up it was behind him with me over his shoulder hanging onto him and smiling. A very cute candid shot, and then I woke up. What the hell was that dream about?

Jeromiah :)

Gosh, I'm not sure I even know where to start. At first I was very cautious about this one. This is in fact the one that came after the one who broke my heart. J.B. His whole family consists of 11 brothers and sisters. 6 steps, and 5 blood related. He is the closest to his sister who is blood related and he is originally from Washington. He has been in the Marines for 1 year so far and I will admit at first the whole Marine thing through me off. I have a hard time getting involved with them since they are almost always known as players. He told me he was different, but it took me about a month to see that was true. We started just texting, and then texting turned into conversations lasting till 3 or 4am. Now we have recently gone to yahoo messenger video chatting.. We both enjoy that since we get to see each other and talk. He has the most amazing smile and he makes me smile and laugh. We are supposed to meet for the first time this coming weekend. I am not worried because I have seen him on yahoo messenger, I have talked to him for countless hours and we both feel that the emotional and mental attributes are astronomical. We are both on the same level, emotionally and mentally. We both have the same interests and he even loves "Phantom of the Opera" What marine do you know that likes that? He loves the fact that I am so ambitious about everything and one thing that makes him different is he doesn't brag about being a marine. He tells people when they ask what he does, that he works in construction and is the guy who is out on the roads with those surveying tools doing the road survey. I find it charming that he always is talking about me and him cuddling up to go to bed and how amazing we are together. He even asked if he could put me on his facebook as like "In a relationship" I instantly thought... oh my goodness, he is being serious. My ex never wanted to do anything of the sort with me. He put me up and then weeks later told me some bullshit story of why he had to take it down. Jeromiah is also taller.. much taller. He is 6'1. Which to me is a perfect height. I can wear heels without fear of being taller then he is. There is something about the height thing that turns a girl on. When a guy is always taller then you are, I guess you feel more.. protected, maybe less in control and feel like your dating a real man. lol..Anyhow.. He is constantly writing on my facebook which I love and even his friends have added me on facebook and are leaving comments on my page as well. I am having high hopes for this one. It might be hard because I won't get to see him as much, but on the on the hand, that will give me a chance for time with myself. To do school and stay on top of that and to make sure that I stay me and no one else. I am not going to make that mistake twice. I learned my lesson and have finally moved on to bigger and better things, but I will tell you. It wasn't easy. . 

The Closure...

I finally for the first time in a long time,I  got the closure with J. After hearing him call me a cunt and tell me that he thought about _____ while we would have sex and that he used me for my house the entire 6 months that we were together. I don't believe it. I don't think someone who would bring their gf home to meet his entire family would be the type of person that J. ended up being. He was the one thing I thought I had found that was right, but I was totally wrong. Until hearing him say those words to me, I had always thought me and him would make it work down the line. I learned that sometimes some men are just mean, horrible people. I thought will was a horrible person at one point, but at least he would cheat on me in front of me and wasn't really as hurtful with my feelings. Maybe emotionally he wasn't the best, but still my last ex before him... we will call him W. had never made me feel that horrible. J is a prick to the highest way to explain it, he's an asshole who doesn't deserve to ever be happy until he gets hurt just as bad as he has hurt other people. I have cut off all ties to him, all txt messages, all phone numbers of his and F. are blocked and I don't ever really want to speak to him ever again. I hope that someday he changes his ways, but I have a feeling he never will. He will always be a womanizer. He will always have more then one woman in his life. He has to be big man on campus all the time. It is always about him. And it always will be. Thank god I don't have to deal with that anymore! :)

Been thinking...

     So my dream last night consisted of me opening my own day care center. I have always wanted to open my own daycare center and I guess subconsciously I was realizing it. The other part of the dream was that I was having sex in my office with a man I hardly knew, but just having lots and lots of sex... Sort of strange in a way... In all places to have sex would be in a day care center? I guess the sex part is because for the last 3 weeks I have been unable to get off as we call it because of the anti-depression pills I have been taking... Thanks to not taking them anymore... My dreams have been extravagant and I seem to feel fine.

     I'm not depressed on a daily basis like I used to be, and I am actually going on a date tomorrow night... well actually technically tonight since it's 5am. I am excited but not hoping for much. If the date turns out great, then good.. If not, on to the next one. That's the thing that has changed about me. Yeah I want to find the guy for me, but not one that lies and cheats and don't talk to me. It might take another 50 guys for me to find him, but I will enjoy the ride while I get there.

     I just watched 2 really good movies.. I saw "Black Swan" with Natalie Portman which was amazing and that word doesn't even describe it the way it should. The movie was about an inner conflict that rages out against all odds. Everyone thinks she is just tripping out on drugs and the movie was pointless. I on the other hand found it to be an invigorating amazing movie. There I go with that word again. haha. Those of us who have ever auditioned for a part and gotten it, understand the pressure of what it's like. She had a Jekyll and a Hyde she could not get away from. Her hyde eventually won because she dies at the end, but she felt she was perfect at the end. The inner struggle she felt was let free and she was able to be the person she wanted to be. As a performer, it's not easy to struggle with yourself. It's not easy to have someone else outdo you for the role you wanted, and be told your not good enough. Drugs don't help anything, but they certainly can calm you down at times. The inner struggle was there all along, but she suppressed it because she didn't want to deal with it. There is nothing wrong with having a dark side. The movie was to the extreme of the dark side yes, but not out of the realm of possibility. It's a zoo out there for performers. We don't have it easy.

     The second movie I saw was also amazing. I finally watched Valentines Day that Jesse gave to me. I wasn't able to watch it when he gave it to me for my birthday because just the idea of a movie that said valentines day on it, made me sick to my stomach. 5 months later, I finally decided to watch it and I am glad I waited. The movie was all about love. Teenage love, Growing old love, Mother missing her son love, Homosexual love, you name it, it was in there. I liked the idea of the movie. It showed that no matter what age you are, love is imperfect.

I couldn't do it..

I spent the last 4 weeks watching the sex in the city series. Watching over and over how all 4 girls go from relationship to relationship. They all eventually get their happy ending, but I couldn't watch the end of the Sex and the City movie. I didn't want it to end. Carrie had just made herself a brand new self and apartment and got out of her slump from being devastated and then Bam she see's him and it goes all out the window. Is that how I am with J.? It has taken me forever to get over it. to get over him. And even now as I write this particular blog, I keep wondering to myself if this is it? Will J. come back 6 months from now and realize the mistake he made? Will I take him back at that point. As I went through who the 4 girls I epically love, I thought to myself, was any of their relationships like J? Miranda had Steve cheat on her, but he never gave up on being with her and trying over and over to get her back... Not J... Charlotte found the perfect husband who did no wrong and would never cheat on her... Not J... Samantha found a hott guy and then decided she didn't want to be in a relationship.. Not me and J and finally.. Carrie. She had Mr. Big, through all the crap and turmoil he put her through he kept trying to apologize to her, and get her to understand he was sorry.. Also not Jim. So can I ever really forgive J? Steve cheated, but they were already married and it least he admitted to it. J never admitted to me that he cheated. He never apologized for being such an asshole at my feelings or never being home. He didn't do anything extra for the relationship. No cards for important holidays, unless I begged him for one.. No jewelry for Christmas, instead a motorcycle jacket that is still hanging in my closet, mostly unused. He faked compassion and love in the beginning but after all that I went through, I can finally point out his flaws. I can finally stop taking the depression pills that don't really do anything for me anymore. Its going to be 5 months on friday that me and him have been apart, and to think we were only together for 6 months.


     The destruction that he left behind is slowly but surely getting back to normal. I no longer think about him 24/7 and I can go out with girfriends and enjoy myself, laughing and having fun. Sure I have moments where I miss him, but then I think back to before, when my expectations of a man were so much different. I yet again let myself pamper a man. I let my guard down and gave him a part of me that when he left, he took it with him. He took a part of my soul with him. A part that I can never get back. I had to rebuild what he left behind. When did women get to the point where a man ran our lives? Why can't we all be independent women anymore and not live our lives as if a man is the most important part. All the women in sex and the City were successful. They had money and wore $400 shoes. In this economy that is hard to come by, but I still think to myself. I want to be successful like that and have the commitment problem that Carrie had because she had never let a man control her life. Even Samantha didn't let a man control her life. They weren't always happy but in the end they stuck by each other to get through it.

     Everytime we go through a break-up, we learn something. How much can our hearts hold? If I think back to all my break-ups, there were only a few that were the most heartbreaking. Of course I am gonna say the "First love" D.. There is no easy way to get out of that situation. Everyone goes through it at one point. You feel like you will never love again and then you do. Up until this year, that breakup was the hardest I had ever gone through, until J. J. broke me in more ways then I care to talk about. He left me cynical of love which to some of my friends they liked it. It wasn't me but for a good long while, cynical and angry were the only emotions I could feel. I had done a lot of the crying while we were together. Sure I cried after we broke up, but I think by the time he left I just knew I was broken. I was sick and tired of worrying about him and his feelings, what about mine?

    

I had a thought..

So the other night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I went to a Ruff Ryder Bike night in Palm Springs and bumped into J and his new gf F.. As soon as J. saw me he rushed over to give me a hug. When F. came over to give me a hug I ended up socking her in the face and throwing her to the ground and beating the hell out of her. I wouldnt stop hitting her until the Ruff Ryders had to pull me off of her. As they pulled me off, I hocked a lugy on her and called her every name in the book. As I finally calmed down and walked away I looked back to find J. just staring at me. He then ran up to me pulled me in his arms and said "Please be mine again" and then BAM I woke up. This particular dream threw me off in the line of things. I wasn't expecting the amount of rage that was washing through me at the moment. It brought me to thinking. Does Anger and Rage outweigh sadness?

Writing..

I'm told to write every chance I get. So here I am writing on a blank blog and I have nothing to say. Maybe if I hadnt read the note that F. left on J's page I would have a lot to say. Maybe I just want my happily ever after already... I don't feel like life is going anywhere. I got a b in math... be excited about that considering I have never gotten a B in my life in Math. I am starting school in a month and I am super excited to start a new chapter in life. I sit here unable to write about life because I am still so alone in the battle. I have friends sure, they are really good friends, but what happens with my best friend leaves for college in Sept and my other best friend moves to Oceanside. Who will I have to hang out with? Who will comfort me at all moments of the night when I need it the most? I think I have just gotten to the moment of lonely. The moment of lonely. A weird word for someone who never seems to be alone. I try everyday to just stay happy and joyful, but I don't have much motivation at this moment. I know I wasn't meant to mope around and look like an idiot. I know I am not supposed to continue pining for someone who has already moved on. I just wish life was a little easier at the moment. Sure, I'm taking anti-depressant pills.. and they seem to be helping my mood... But what about me in general. I find myself staring at my phone wanting it to ring from some guy I hardly know. I want to talk to him, I guess I want to be needed again. I wish I had someone to need me, the way I have in the past. I am looking forward to my date this weekend with what seems like an awesome guy. Gosh I guess writing out how you feel is a good thing. Certainly made me feel better! :) Nite all <3

I care..

I don't know why after all this time I still seem to care about him and all his life activities. He meant so much to me at one point, I just can't let go of the fact that he is no longer mine. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just expect him to come back, but I can see that's not gonna happen. He walked away and doesn't care. He is out having a good old time with his new woman F.. I wish he would have at least been honest with me and told me he was with her instead of telling me that he loves me still and wants to be with me again. Ugh!

For the first time..

For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and whatever this pain is... It seems to be getting worse. It is right under my right breast and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. It started probably around I want to say Feb. It started once and a while, nothing big, hardly noticed it, unless I bent over once and a while and stood up and got the pain. Then about a month ago I got this constant pain for a full day. I felt like I bruised something. And then the last few days everytime I sneeze or cough. It hurts. I'm scared. I don't know what it is, and I'm frightened. I feel at the moment like I don't know who to talk to about it. I feel as though maybe I am being a baby, but I think it is something I need to tackle. I need to go to the doctor anyhow for a check up. I can't even remember the last time I went. I am just Scared...

Not right...

People are in the past for a reason... When someone blames you for everything little thing their fiancee does it gets really tiresome. I am sick and tired of getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in their relationship. I want to help K. just know the truth and I am sick and tired of being in the middle of everything. When you have to lie to your best friend so you can go on a beach trip..Thats when you know there is something wrong with the relationship. The problem is that when we started talking again I thought things would change, but they never did. Its a problem and at the moment, I don't give a shit. I don't care if he goes to jail, I don't care if he yells at me, cause Im DONE!

I wonder...

Do people ever really change? Do their bad habits go away and people can forgive them for past mistakes. I have been wondering the last few days about him. J.. The guy who broke my heart into a million pieces when he lied to my face about sleeping with someone else. Is it possible for him to ever change? Is it possible me and him still have a future down the line? Why do I miss him? I have so much going thought my mind at the same time. I miss him, I don't miss him. I love him, I don't love him. My heart and head are having so much conflict lately, I almost feel like I have whiplash from it. I meet another guy and all I can do it compare him to J. Why am I comparing him to someone who hurt me so deeply? And then, I find a guy who happens to be taken, but would be the perfect for me. Why do we even bother with love sometimes. It's funny. One of my good friends mike told me that he loves his gf with all his heart, but he thinks monogamy isn't real. I still can't wrap my mind around that sentence. Why can't monogamy be real? It is a thing between a man and a woman that obviously means a great deal. It shows that two people are together, committed to one another and with no one but each other. I think it is a real word and a real concept.

     As the days roll on, I realize that I am getting stronger. In a lot of more ways then 1. I am outgrowing things and people. I am starting to get back into acting and theater. The things I love the most. I am finally on my feet with my own decisions and likes and dislikes. No one to decide anything for me, and I have to admit it. I love it! I look back on the past and realize that my life wasn't always mine. I decided to do things because my boyfriends or best friends wanted to do them. I didn't necessarily want to go shooting for my birthday like 2 years ago, I didn't necessarily want to go to a bike night for my birthday this year. I would have been much happier just spending time with close friends and my man at the time. Seeing him for the first time in months, made my stomach churn. I missed his smell.. his look.. everything about him. After leaving him though, and walking away. I found myself feeling a bit of closure. I know the truth and that's all the matters. As he had once told me a long time ago. I just want the longing to be with someone to go away. I am sure as my life gets more hectic, men may be the last thing on my mind. lol.. but for right now, it seems to be something that plagues me. I get lonely at night. I want to cuddle with someone like I used to. I just want to feel the closeness again. I miss that... Well that's enough for tonight... Night all <3

A new beginning?

So I write a new beginning with this blog because for the first time in a while, I feel as though a new beginning is started... I had a horrible time tonight, but the night finally ended good. I yelled and screamed at W. tonight. I guess I didn't realize how bad I was hurt till the alcohol kicked in. I told him that I wanted to end the friendship which to a certain extent I did... but then he started to cry and tell me that he didn't want to lose me and all this shit.. and so we worked it out. I am glad because I do love him as a friend, but I just... idk.. it's complicated. Ugh,.. I'm tired.. bedtime!

Moving On...

How to begin this blog? How do I explain to the world how I feel? I'm happy at times with being single and not having to worry about everything. At other times, it hurts to breathe on my own and I want to be with him again. How do I explain to someone that I know me and him had a falling out, and he did horrible things, but why do I feel as though a part of me is hurting some days. As of today its been 3 months since me and him have been together. It feels so much longer then that and some days I am still in shock that I am even dealing with the pain of losing him. After all we went through... I thought me and him would always be together. Never in my wildest imagination could I imagine losing him. I figured I had finally found someone I was going to marry and be with forever.. and then the rumors started... and then I saw emails and all this about all these personal things I knew nothing about. I wasn't prepared to deal with something like that. I felt like he was the one for me. Little by little now I miss him a little less... It's been 3 months today and although it hurts, I know I will move on and find someone who will appreciate me for who I am and what I'm all about. I just find myself comparing J. to every guy I come into contact with. I am trying my hardest to just get through each day and now I feel like I walked 3 steps back instead of forwards. With will back in my life, I don't know how I feel about that. I am glad he is back in my life, but I feel like I don't make any progress hanging out with Will. I am 25 years old and I am sort of bored of just hanging out with him doing nothing. I want more with my time then just being bored. I wanna write, or maybe sing or do something exciting and fun. I find that bringing him back into the mix.. has made life just more drama infested. I don't wanna drama. I have had enough to last me for the rest of my life...Dealing with the pain of the J. situation.. trying to figure out who was telling the truth... That was enough for me.

A parting letter...

Dear J,

I keep expecting to hear the garage door open and the motorcycle rev it’s way into my heart the way it used to. Thinking in my head that one moment from now your going to open the door to our room, set your helmet on the dresser and come and give me that look you used to give me. The kiss that used to fill my heart with enough joy I could hardly breathe some days. I woke up sometimes thinking it was all a dream and I had to stare at you to realize you were actually there. You were my Prince, my everything, and then one day that all changed. You changed. I saw your true colors finally show. You no longer wanted to cuddle on the bed and talk for hours like we used to. You wanted to play your stupid video games and tell me that you hated cuddling at the moment I needed it the most. If the rumor that you slept with another woman, or girl as the case may have been was true, you wouldn’t have run from me. You would have tried everything in your power to save your girlfriend from any additional pain she may have been going through. The part I can’t and never will forgive you for is not the fact that you cheated. It’s the fact that you disregarded the way I felt about the situation. You never wanted to talk about it. Not once in the entire month that I knew about this rumor, did you ever want to take me out on the town and show me a good time. Never once did you ask me how I was because the whole time it was all about you. You had no disregard for my feelings at all. You were a selfish prick that entire month and I found myself fed up by the time I was packing your things into garbage bags. I was not born yesterday. I am not an idiot. The fact that you feel the need to lie to me about everything was upsetting. You could have told me that you were going to F's to help her that night with something, instead of lying about the fight her and K weren’t having. You went over there, because you could get your rocks off. You could go fuck the infatuation that you had been drooling over for the last month. She was finally going to tell you the good news. That her husband was moving out and that you could move in. Then conveniently that next morning you decided to text me to tell me that you needed a break. You didn’t need a break, you just needed a place to go. Isn’t that why you cheated on me? You were bored of me but stayed with me because you had no where else to go? I told you in the beginning to never do that to me. To never stay here because it’s convenient for you. Instead of breaking it off when you started to have feelings for someone else, you made it worse by staying here. You made me believe that what we had could overcome anything that came about. You promised me you would always be around, yet here I am writing this letter to you, unable to really understand what went wrong. You stopped talking, stopped communicating, instead you just went and slept with someone else. The amount of pain and anguish that you put me through I am unable to put into words at the moment. It’s indescribable. But there is another emotion that I wasn’t expecting to feel in all this and that is anger. I am so unbelievably angry at not only you but myself. How could I have been so stupid to not have caught the signs? And then I think maybe you picked me for a certain reason. You saw the way I would take care of W and how much I cared way back when and maybe you took that to your advantage, cause for the life of me I can’t understand why you would do this to me? I was amazed to find conversations on my computer with other women saying things like “I can’t wait to dream of you tonight” three days after my birthday. Or email’s reading something like “I am 5’10, 7in cut, semi bi, would love to have a playmate. Oh and by the way I am in the Byberry area”. Yeah, I found that on my computer too. Not when you wrote it but months later as I was going through my computer. You wrote that email the day after we got to Philadelphia. What possessed you to want something else? Was it the thrill of being home? Or the thrill of being able to know you’re a hot guy who could do better then me. I thought to myself for a long while that maybe it was good for us to take a “break” as you call it. A week later after going on your face book and reading “snuggling on the couch with my hunny watching Tom and Jerry” was when it hit me. You were too much of a coward to say it was over because you didn’t want to hurt me. Well fuck that. Too late for no pain. I’m in pain and I’m in anger mode. Everyday is a different emotion and I am slowly getting through it. I know deep down somewhere that I was more then just a conquest for you. I was more then just some girl you lived with and slept with. What we had was real and I guarantee you will never find another girl like me. A person who will take care of you the way I did. Who will make you breakfast even thought she isn’t the greatest cook, or make you a sandwich to take to work because all she wants is for you to be happy. Little did she know that when you got to work there was a woman waiting for you and touching you every chance she got.  You’re the first guy I let my guard down to, to fully let myself get involved with because I thought that we were something real. You told me one day “I will never leave you, I’m here to stay.” I know now, that it isn’t true. It’s been over a month since the last time I had contact with you and been almost 2 months since we last saw each other. I asked you three weeks after we broke up, to meet me someplace, I had something to talk to you about. You told me you had to go to the hospital for some sort of infection. I said ok  I hope you get better, I will talk to you later and I respected the fact that you didn’t have time at the moment. Did you text me later that week and say ok lets have coffee? No, you ignored the request all together. You didn’t want to have the uncomfortable feeling of knowing what was going to come out of my mouth. I was going to tell you that no matter what you say to my face and no matter however many lies you want to tell me. I know that you slept with F. I know because I caught Chlamydia. Since I got it and K her husband had it, there is only one logical explanation. You slept with her. Which also brings me to my other conclusion. If you did in fact get it from her and gave it to me, the last time me and you had unprotected sex was around Valentines Day, so that would mean you would have caught it before then in order to have given it to me. Wow, that makes me feel real good. Who knows… maybe you got it from T. Since everyone seems to love to tell me that you slept with her. How you slept with her when me and her were still really good friends.. Which would mean you must have slept with her right around the same time you slept with F.. How do you think it makes me feel to know the last time I saw you in person, the last words you said to me was “I love you” Yeah, how much do you love me? Because I don’t feel it right now. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that my perfect boyfriend slept with another woman then lied to me about it to my face when I confronted him many times. You told me I was crazy and hallucinating, well I didn’t hallucinate getting an STD and since you’re the only one I slept with for the entire time we were together, then the only other explanation is that you were unfaithful and eventually left because you couldn’t deal with the guilt. You also couldn’t break up with me the way you should have. A “break” means the two people get away from each other for a while and then try to rekindle what they had. They take a break, maybe take a bag or two and then come back in a month or so. You on the other hand took everything, including your xbox and any other prized possessions along with all your pictures off the computer. Going on a break if that’s what you truly wanted does not give you the right to go move in with another woman who by the way is just as much at fault here as you are. You not only lost a great thing on your end, but you ruined a family. You broke apart a man and a woman who took a vow to be together because you wanted to get your rocks off. You have confused the hell out of that little girl G. who is not going to know how to be in a relationship when she gets older. She is going to think this is how it works. You told me yourself that F. reminded me a lot of you. Well there, you got your wish, you got her. So are you happy with her? Does she treat you half as well as I treated you? Cause to be honest she is nothing like me. I would never break a vow I took because of some lust for another man. I would be honest with my husband but not go behind his back and fuck another guy, especially one who had a girlfriend. Maybe you two deserve each other. Maybe she can make you happy with her extravagant positions in bed and her unique experience to fuck over every girl she has ever met. Oh and don’t forget her awesome ability to be a cold hearted bitch 24/7. I don’t know why any man would find that attractive, although I can’t see why any man would cheat on someone he loves. It’s not what you look like on the outside, it’s who you are on the inside. You may never understand that concept, but I hope someday you do. Anyway I am writing this letter for closure. I am closing this chapter in my life and I needed to tell you that. You can go on in life knowing that you hurt me unlike anyone ever has, and because of it I realize I deserve better. I don’t deserve to be cheated on or treated like a baby because I have emotion on my sleeve. I loved you with everything I had, and will probably always love you, but I can’t be with a man who has no respect for another person’s feelings. I can’t sit around and wait for you to change. You told me yourself you never will. So why wait for rain in a desert? I hope that you find whatever happiness is for you. I hope that you live life to the fullest. Isn’t that what life is all about to you? Lastly I hope the one thing that changes in you is the next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone, spare her the heartache if you lust for another and break up with her. I would hate to have someone go through what you put me through.This is my final goodbye.

Love always
Carene Riale
PS: Any last possessions that you did have here, are gone. Burned to a crisp and never to be seen again. Kinda like that Adele song...

Between the lines...

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
That I could have sworn I'd heard him say it
Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-bareilles-lyrics/between-the-lines-lyrics.html ]
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready when he meant let go

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines, between the lines

Never..

Anger rages through me
It’s tarring me apart
How could you do this
How could you break my heart?

With no consequences
You went on your merry way
To other things and ways of life
That only falanderers play

It rises up inside me
The anger that I feel
Because you made me this way
How am I supposted to feel?

How can I trust another
You fucked me up inside
I feel bad for the man
Who has to sometime get inside

All I wanted was your love
And affection is all I ask
How could I not have known
You were being such an ass

It easier to not feel pain
Cause anger is all I feel
I can’t believe I fell for your lies
Were you never ever real?

Where to go from here
Well I can move on you see
Because deep inside I know now
You were never good enough for me

Pain

You hurt me in a way I can’t talk about
Why did you do that, couldn’t we have talked it out?
What makes you think you’re the exception to the rule
When all along you just made me feel like a fool.

I cried tears of pain and anger you see
I don’t think you shed one tear for me
Why did you do it
Why don’t you care?
I feel so lost, and in a realm of despair.

Its harder to let you go, when everyone is pushing me to
I gotta let you go the way I really want to
To forget the fact you exist, is a lot harder then it seems
I need to just erase the horrible parts of the scenes

Where are you now?
Maybe living with her, hmm.. I wonder
Maybe it’s right to concure
I was the one who got hurt in the end
You didn’t even shed a tear, why couldn’t you then?

Its hard to think of all the good times with you
When they always lead up the bad ones too
I can let you go and move on you see
But you certainly made my heart not wanna see
All the bad that you posess and I can’t believe I was impressed

You told me when we met them, that she reminded you of me
I should have taken as a sign, oh shit why me?
You spent a lot of nights there, kinda strange in a way
To spend so much time with a couple who eventually broke away

You and her became close, you said she’s a sis to me
I think sending naughty pictures, would be incest by me
When you came to pick up your things,
She sat in the front seat,
Why would u bring her? Wouldn’t you wanna be discreet?

Something about you changed, and I really don’t know what
Maybe you were bored of me and u and felt like we were in a rut
You should have said something, that’s what couples need to do
Communication is key, but you never wanted to.

She seemed exciting to you, maybe a little adventurous as well
You walked right into the trap of your own living hell
I got a call from her husband to tell me what was up
When I confronted you, you denied it, afraid to get caught up


I'm not stupid, I am smarter then you think
I know how to read the signs now
I wont ever make that blink
Of not seeing whats in front of me,
A cheater non the less, you can’t expect things to go
The way you want more or less

I hear rumors your living with her now
Wow you moved so quick
I should have known you would do this
Remember me and you how quick?

You told people we had been over for quite a bit of time
Yet when I was told you said that,
It was the day after that it chimed
You heart wasn’t in it, you weren’t happy anymore,
So instead of talking it out,
You decided to sleep with a whore.

I thought you were the one for me
Forever me and you
I think it’s time you know
I’m getting over you.

Rumors..

They can break you or make you stronger
They can break your heart and make you think longer
They can make you want to go out and shout to the world
All the pain and the hurt it is causing you, putting you in a swirl.

The truth, the lies, its all the same
Cause at the end of the day, you just feel ashamed
Maybe because you actually thought they were true
Or maybe because the knot in your stomach makes you want to

I can't remember the last time I felt the way I do
In a rut, in a bind, with my brain in a batter of glue
What makes me think this way,
As if I have something to worry about?

Why am I freaking out?
As if I dont know what he is all about
He would never do that to me
ever in his life you see.
So why am I doubting him all of a sudden?
Whats wrong with the picture and me?

As I sit here at my computer trying to type what I feel
I can't help but think that this could be real
What if I am wrong, and he is out with her?
What if I'm the fool and didn't catch the signs to concure

There is a bit of confusion in my mind right now,
1 hour turns into 4 and I feel like a clown
Sitting here waiting for him to come home,
not sure what to think, who to call or where to go

Just sitting and thinking is the worst, people may disagree
cause you sit here and your mind wanders of the worst possibilities,
what if you say to yourself your overreacting, and he is just fine,
then the other demon comes in and shakes it out of your mind


Tick tock Tick tock goes the clock that never seems to stop
Why can't I fall asleep and let these demons give up
I close my eyes trying to fall asleep and
The next thing I know I am waking with a blink

I look next to me and to my dismay
I found no body to cuddle with today
I guess the demons get their way
for yet I go without him for another day

If I were a boy...

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

Knot in my stomach..

Do you ever get a knot in your stomach or feel your heart rate go up for no apparent reason? You seem irritated or upset about something, but you have no emotion or recollection of being upset or anything. J's phone either isn't working or he is ignoring me. I am going to assume either he is asleep because he is in a car and he is really tired from today. I hate how sometimes he doesn't get my txts. It drives me nuts. He gets everyone else's but mine. I trust him, but little things like him not answering me when he is with K and F, kinda upsets me. I know I have no reason to not believe that he isn't where he says he is, it just upsets me when I don't hear from him. I am not trying to make it so that he has a leash on him. He is a human being.. I don't want him to feel suffocated. To be honest writing this is making me feel better. I love him and nothing will ever change that. My birthday is this week and i am super excited about tomorrow! :) I dont really know what's going on with my birthday day, I am not going to assume I am going to be alone, I really dont think that J would do that to me. He knows my birthday is important to me.