Jeromiah :)

Gosh, I'm not sure I even know where to start. At first I was very cautious about this one. This is in fact the one that came after the one who broke my heart. J.B. His whole family consists of 11 brothers and sisters. 6 steps, and 5 blood related. He is the closest to his sister who is blood related and he is originally from Washington. He has been in the Marines for 1 year so far and I will admit at first the whole Marine thing through me off. I have a hard time getting involved with them since they are almost always known as players. He told me he was different, but it took me about a month to see that was true. We started just texting, and then texting turned into conversations lasting till 3 or 4am. Now we have recently gone to yahoo messenger video chatting.. We both enjoy that since we get to see each other and talk. He has the most amazing smile and he makes me smile and laugh. We are supposed to meet for the first time this coming weekend. I am not worried because I have seen him on yahoo messenger, I have talked to him for countless hours and we both feel that the emotional and mental attributes are astronomical. We are both on the same level, emotionally and mentally. We both have the same interests and he even loves "Phantom of the Opera" What marine do you know that likes that? He loves the fact that I am so ambitious about everything and one thing that makes him different is he doesn't brag about being a marine. He tells people when they ask what he does, that he works in construction and is the guy who is out on the roads with those surveying tools doing the road survey. I find it charming that he always is talking about me and him cuddling up to go to bed and how amazing we are together. He even asked if he could put me on his facebook as like "In a relationship" I instantly thought... oh my goodness, he is being serious. My ex never wanted to do anything of the sort with me. He put me up and then weeks later told me some bullshit story of why he had to take it down. Jeromiah is also taller.. much taller. He is 6'1. Which to me is a perfect height. I can wear heels without fear of being taller then he is. There is something about the height thing that turns a girl on. When a guy is always taller then you are, I guess you feel more.. protected, maybe less in control and feel like your dating a real man. lol..Anyhow.. He is constantly writing on my facebook which I love and even his friends have added me on facebook and are leaving comments on my page as well. I am having high hopes for this one. It might be hard because I won't get to see him as much, but on the on the hand, that will give me a chance for time with myself. To do school and stay on top of that and to make sure that I stay me and no one else. I am not going to make that mistake twice. I learned my lesson and have finally moved on to bigger and better things, but I will tell you. It wasn't easy. . 

The Closure...

I finally for the first time in a long time,I  got the closure with J. After hearing him call me a cunt and tell me that he thought about _____ while we would have sex and that he used me for my house the entire 6 months that we were together. I don't believe it. I don't think someone who would bring their gf home to meet his entire family would be the type of person that J. ended up being. He was the one thing I thought I had found that was right, but I was totally wrong. Until hearing him say those words to me, I had always thought me and him would make it work down the line. I learned that sometimes some men are just mean, horrible people. I thought will was a horrible person at one point, but at least he would cheat on me in front of me and wasn't really as hurtful with my feelings. Maybe emotionally he wasn't the best, but still my last ex before him... we will call him W. had never made me feel that horrible. J is a prick to the highest way to explain it, he's an asshole who doesn't deserve to ever be happy until he gets hurt just as bad as he has hurt other people. I have cut off all ties to him, all txt messages, all phone numbers of his and F. are blocked and I don't ever really want to speak to him ever again. I hope that someday he changes his ways, but I have a feeling he never will. He will always be a womanizer. He will always have more then one woman in his life. He has to be big man on campus all the time. It is always about him. And it always will be. Thank god I don't have to deal with that anymore! :)

Been thinking...

     So my dream last night consisted of me opening my own day care center. I have always wanted to open my own daycare center and I guess subconsciously I was realizing it. The other part of the dream was that I was having sex in my office with a man I hardly knew, but just having lots and lots of sex... Sort of strange in a way... In all places to have sex would be in a day care center? I guess the sex part is because for the last 3 weeks I have been unable to get off as we call it because of the anti-depression pills I have been taking... Thanks to not taking them anymore... My dreams have been extravagant and I seem to feel fine.

     I'm not depressed on a daily basis like I used to be, and I am actually going on a date tomorrow night... well actually technically tonight since it's 5am. I am excited but not hoping for much. If the date turns out great, then good.. If not, on to the next one. That's the thing that has changed about me. Yeah I want to find the guy for me, but not one that lies and cheats and don't talk to me. It might take another 50 guys for me to find him, but I will enjoy the ride while I get there.

     I just watched 2 really good movies.. I saw "Black Swan" with Natalie Portman which was amazing and that word doesn't even describe it the way it should. The movie was about an inner conflict that rages out against all odds. Everyone thinks she is just tripping out on drugs and the movie was pointless. I on the other hand found it to be an invigorating amazing movie. There I go with that word again. haha. Those of us who have ever auditioned for a part and gotten it, understand the pressure of what it's like. She had a Jekyll and a Hyde she could not get away from. Her hyde eventually won because she dies at the end, but she felt she was perfect at the end. The inner struggle she felt was let free and she was able to be the person she wanted to be. As a performer, it's not easy to struggle with yourself. It's not easy to have someone else outdo you for the role you wanted, and be told your not good enough. Drugs don't help anything, but they certainly can calm you down at times. The inner struggle was there all along, but she suppressed it because she didn't want to deal with it. There is nothing wrong with having a dark side. The movie was to the extreme of the dark side yes, but not out of the realm of possibility. It's a zoo out there for performers. We don't have it easy.

     The second movie I saw was also amazing. I finally watched Valentines Day that Jesse gave to me. I wasn't able to watch it when he gave it to me for my birthday because just the idea of a movie that said valentines day on it, made me sick to my stomach. 5 months later, I finally decided to watch it and I am glad I waited. The movie was all about love. Teenage love, Growing old love, Mother missing her son love, Homosexual love, you name it, it was in there. I liked the idea of the movie. It showed that no matter what age you are, love is imperfect.

I couldn't do it..

I spent the last 4 weeks watching the sex in the city series. Watching over and over how all 4 girls go from relationship to relationship. They all eventually get their happy ending, but I couldn't watch the end of the Sex and the City movie. I didn't want it to end. Carrie had just made herself a brand new self and apartment and got out of her slump from being devastated and then Bam she see's him and it goes all out the window. Is that how I am with J.? It has taken me forever to get over it. to get over him. And even now as I write this particular blog, I keep wondering to myself if this is it? Will J. come back 6 months from now and realize the mistake he made? Will I take him back at that point. As I went through who the 4 girls I epically love, I thought to myself, was any of their relationships like J? Miranda had Steve cheat on her, but he never gave up on being with her and trying over and over to get her back... Not J... Charlotte found the perfect husband who did no wrong and would never cheat on her... Not J... Samantha found a hott guy and then decided she didn't want to be in a relationship.. Not me and J and finally.. Carrie. She had Mr. Big, through all the crap and turmoil he put her through he kept trying to apologize to her, and get her to understand he was sorry.. Also not Jim. So can I ever really forgive J? Steve cheated, but they were already married and it least he admitted to it. J never admitted to me that he cheated. He never apologized for being such an asshole at my feelings or never being home. He didn't do anything extra for the relationship. No cards for important holidays, unless I begged him for one.. No jewelry for Christmas, instead a motorcycle jacket that is still hanging in my closet, mostly unused. He faked compassion and love in the beginning but after all that I went through, I can finally point out his flaws. I can finally stop taking the depression pills that don't really do anything for me anymore. Its going to be 5 months on friday that me and him have been apart, and to think we were only together for 6 months.


     The destruction that he left behind is slowly but surely getting back to normal. I no longer think about him 24/7 and I can go out with girfriends and enjoy myself, laughing and having fun. Sure I have moments where I miss him, but then I think back to before, when my expectations of a man were so much different. I yet again let myself pamper a man. I let my guard down and gave him a part of me that when he left, he took it with him. He took a part of my soul with him. A part that I can never get back. I had to rebuild what he left behind. When did women get to the point where a man ran our lives? Why can't we all be independent women anymore and not live our lives as if a man is the most important part. All the women in sex and the City were successful. They had money and wore $400 shoes. In this economy that is hard to come by, but I still think to myself. I want to be successful like that and have the commitment problem that Carrie had because she had never let a man control her life. Even Samantha didn't let a man control her life. They weren't always happy but in the end they stuck by each other to get through it.

     Everytime we go through a break-up, we learn something. How much can our hearts hold? If I think back to all my break-ups, there were only a few that were the most heartbreaking. Of course I am gonna say the "First love" D.. There is no easy way to get out of that situation. Everyone goes through it at one point. You feel like you will never love again and then you do. Up until this year, that breakup was the hardest I had ever gone through, until J. J. broke me in more ways then I care to talk about. He left me cynical of love which to some of my friends they liked it. It wasn't me but for a good long while, cynical and angry were the only emotions I could feel. I had done a lot of the crying while we were together. Sure I cried after we broke up, but I think by the time he left I just knew I was broken. I was sick and tired of worrying about him and his feelings, what about mine?

    

I had a thought..

So the other night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I went to a Ruff Ryder Bike night in Palm Springs and bumped into J and his new gf F.. As soon as J. saw me he rushed over to give me a hug. When F. came over to give me a hug I ended up socking her in the face and throwing her to the ground and beating the hell out of her. I wouldnt stop hitting her until the Ruff Ryders had to pull me off of her. As they pulled me off, I hocked a lugy on her and called her every name in the book. As I finally calmed down and walked away I looked back to find J. just staring at me. He then ran up to me pulled me in his arms and said "Please be mine again" and then BAM I woke up. This particular dream threw me off in the line of things. I wasn't expecting the amount of rage that was washing through me at the moment. It brought me to thinking. Does Anger and Rage outweigh sadness?

Writing..

I'm told to write every chance I get. So here I am writing on a blank blog and I have nothing to say. Maybe if I hadnt read the note that F. left on J's page I would have a lot to say. Maybe I just want my happily ever after already... I don't feel like life is going anywhere. I got a b in math... be excited about that considering I have never gotten a B in my life in Math. I am starting school in a month and I am super excited to start a new chapter in life. I sit here unable to write about life because I am still so alone in the battle. I have friends sure, they are really good friends, but what happens with my best friend leaves for college in Sept and my other best friend moves to Oceanside. Who will I have to hang out with? Who will comfort me at all moments of the night when I need it the most? I think I have just gotten to the moment of lonely. The moment of lonely. A weird word for someone who never seems to be alone. I try everyday to just stay happy and joyful, but I don't have much motivation at this moment. I know I wasn't meant to mope around and look like an idiot. I know I am not supposed to continue pining for someone who has already moved on. I just wish life was a little easier at the moment. Sure, I'm taking anti-depressant pills.. and they seem to be helping my mood... But what about me in general. I find myself staring at my phone wanting it to ring from some guy I hardly know. I want to talk to him, I guess I want to be needed again. I wish I had someone to need me, the way I have in the past. I am looking forward to my date this weekend with what seems like an awesome guy. Gosh I guess writing out how you feel is a good thing. Certainly made me feel better! :) Nite all <3