Dear J,
I keep expecting to hear the garage door open and the motorcycle rev it’s way into my heart the way it used to. Thinking in my head that one moment from now your going to open the door to our room, set your helmet on the dresser and come and give me that look you used to give me. The kiss that used to fill my heart with enough joy I could hardly breathe some days. I woke up sometimes thinking it was all a dream and I had to stare at you to realize you were actually there. You were my Prince, my everything, and then one day that all changed. You changed. I saw your true colors finally show. You no longer wanted to cuddle on the bed and talk for hours like we used to. You wanted to play your stupid video games and tell me that you hated cuddling at the moment I needed it the most. If the rumor that you slept with another woman, or girl as the case may have been was true, you wouldn’t have run from me. You would have tried everything in your power to save your girlfriend from any additional pain she may have been going through. The part I can’t and never will forgive you for is not the fact that you cheated. It’s the fact that you disregarded the way I felt about the situation. You never wanted to talk about it. Not once in the entire month that I knew about this rumor, did you ever want to take me out on the town and show me a good time. Never once did you ask me how I was because the whole time it was all about you. You had no disregard for my feelings at all. You were a selfish prick that entire month and I found myself fed up by the time I was packing your things into garbage bags. I was not born yesterday. I am not an idiot. The fact that you feel the need to lie to me about everything was upsetting. You could have told me that you were going to F's to help her that night with something, instead of lying about the fight her and K weren’t having. You went over there, because you could get your rocks off. You could go fuck the infatuation that you had been drooling over for the last month. She was finally going to tell you the good news. That her husband was moving out and that you could move in. Then conveniently that next morning you decided to text me to tell me that you needed a break. You didn’t need a break, you just needed a place to go. Isn’t that why you cheated on me? You were bored of me but stayed with me because you had no where else to go? I told you in the beginning to never do that to me. To never stay here because it’s convenient for you. Instead of breaking it off when you started to have feelings for someone else, you made it worse by staying here. You made me believe that what we had could overcome anything that came about. You promised me you would always be around, yet here I am writing this letter to you, unable to really understand what went wrong. You stopped talking, stopped communicating, instead you just went and slept with someone else. The amount of pain and anguish that you put me through I am unable to put into words at the moment. It’s indescribable. But there is another emotion that I wasn’t expecting to feel in all this and that is anger. I am so unbelievably angry at not only you but myself. How could I have been so stupid to not have caught the signs? And then I think maybe you picked me for a certain reason. You saw the way I would take care of W and how much I cared way back when and maybe you took that to your advantage, cause for the life of me I can’t understand why you would do this to me? I was amazed to find conversations on my computer with other women saying things like “I can’t wait to dream of you tonight” three days after my birthday. Or email’s reading something like “I am 5’10, 7in cut, semi bi, would love to have a playmate. Oh and by the way I am in the Byberry area”. Yeah, I found that on my computer too. Not when you wrote it but months later as I was going through my computer. You wrote that email the day after we got to Philadelphia. What possessed you to want something else? Was it the thrill of being home? Or the thrill of being able to know you’re a hot guy who could do better then me. I thought to myself for a long while that maybe it was good for us to take a “break” as you call it. A week later after going on your face book and reading “snuggling on the couch with my hunny watching Tom and Jerry” was when it hit me. You were too much of a coward to say it was over because you didn’t want to hurt me. Well fuck that. Too late for no pain. I’m in pain and I’m in anger mode. Everyday is a different emotion and I am slowly getting through it. I know deep down somewhere that I was more then just a conquest for you. I was more then just some girl you lived with and slept with. What we had was real and I guarantee you will never find another girl like me. A person who will take care of you the way I did. Who will make you breakfast even thought she isn’t the greatest cook, or make you a sandwich to take to work because all she wants is for you to be happy. Little did she know that when you got to work there was a woman waiting for you and touching you every chance she got. You’re the first guy I let my guard down to, to fully let myself get involved with because I thought that we were something real. You told me one day “I will never leave you, I’m here to stay.” I know now, that it isn’t true. It’s been over a month since the last time I had contact with you and been almost 2 months since we last saw each other. I asked you three weeks after we broke up, to meet me someplace, I had something to talk to you about. You told me you had to go to the hospital for some sort of infection. I said ok I hope you get better, I will talk to you later and I respected the fact that you didn’t have time at the moment. Did you text me later that week and say ok lets have coffee? No, you ignored the request all together. You didn’t want to have the uncomfortable feeling of knowing what was going to come out of my mouth. I was going to tell you that no matter what you say to my face and no matter however many lies you want to tell me. I know that you slept with F. I know because I caught Chlamydia. Since I got it and K her husband had it, there is only one logical explanation. You slept with her. Which also brings me to my other conclusion. If you did in fact get it from her and gave it to me, the last time me and you had unprotected sex was around Valentines Day, so that would mean you would have caught it before then in order to have given it to me. Wow, that makes me feel real good. Who knows… maybe you got it from T. Since everyone seems to love to tell me that you slept with her. How you slept with her when me and her were still really good friends.. Which would mean you must have slept with her right around the same time you slept with F.. How do you think it makes me feel to know the last time I saw you in person, the last words you said to me was “I love you” Yeah, how much do you love me? Because I don’t feel it right now. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that my perfect boyfriend slept with another woman then lied to me about it to my face when I confronted him many times. You told me I was crazy and hallucinating, well I didn’t hallucinate getting an STD and since you’re the only one I slept with for the entire time we were together, then the only other explanation is that you were unfaithful and eventually left because you couldn’t deal with the guilt. You also couldn’t break up with me the way you should have. A “break” means the two people get away from each other for a while and then try to rekindle what they had. They take a break, maybe take a bag or two and then come back in a month or so. You on the other hand took everything, including your xbox and any other prized possessions along with all your pictures off the computer. Going on a break if that’s what you truly wanted does not give you the right to go move in with another woman who by the way is just as much at fault here as you are. You not only lost a great thing on your end, but you ruined a family. You broke apart a man and a woman who took a vow to be together because you wanted to get your rocks off. You have confused the hell out of that little girl G. who is not going to know how to be in a relationship when she gets older. She is going to think this is how it works. You told me yourself that F. reminded me a lot of you. Well there, you got your wish, you got her. So are you happy with her? Does she treat you half as well as I treated you? Cause to be honest she is nothing like me. I would never break a vow I took because of some lust for another man. I would be honest with my husband but not go behind his back and fuck another guy, especially one who had a girlfriend. Maybe you two deserve each other. Maybe she can make you happy with her extravagant positions in bed and her unique experience to fuck over every girl she has ever met. Oh and don’t forget her awesome ability to be a cold hearted bitch 24/7. I don’t know why any man would find that attractive, although I can’t see why any man would cheat on someone he loves. It’s not what you look like on the outside, it’s who you are on the inside. You may never understand that concept, but I hope someday you do. Anyway I am writing this letter for closure. I am closing this chapter in my life and I needed to tell you that. You can go on in life knowing that you hurt me unlike anyone ever has, and because of it I realize I deserve better. I don’t deserve to be cheated on or treated like a baby because I have emotion on my sleeve. I loved you with everything I had, and will probably always love you, but I can’t be with a man who has no respect for another person’s feelings. I can’t sit around and wait for you to change. You told me yourself you never will. So why wait for rain in a desert? I hope that you find whatever happiness is for you. I hope that you live life to the fullest. Isn’t that what life is all about to you? Lastly I hope the one thing that changes in you is the next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone, spare her the heartache if you lust for another and break up with her. I would hate to have someone go through what you put me through.This is my final goodbye.
Love always
Carene Riale
PS: Any last possessions that you did have here, are gone. Burned to a crisp and never to be seen again. Kinda like that Adele song...
