Having a problem...

     So I have a problem. It's a problem apparently I have had since I was very little. Its called ORP (Obsessive Relational Progression) What it means is its a person who confuses Love with Obsession. I didnt realize that I had this particular condition until my mom gave me this book to read. It's called "Confusing Love with Obsession". I read it and realized that a lot of what they talk about in that book has to do with me. I always latch myself onto other people to try to validate myself as a person. I latch on and then Bam, I wake up one morning with so much pain, I can hardly breathe.

Grieving Daughter...

Sometimes I feel as though life take things away from us that we really want in our lives.. and it sucks! It really sucks... I was searching online and I came across a poem that really reminded me of my daddy, and how much I really do miss him and how life might have been different if he were still here! I LOVE YOU DADDY! Greatly Missed A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss, A grieving Daughter, You're greatly missed. An empty house, An empty chair, A fathers love, No longer there. A broken heart, Tear filled eye, Another soul to fill the sky. Many memories in my mind, Some I laugh, Some I cry. The times we shared, The laughs we had, Things I miss when I think of you Dad. Realizing that's all I have to hold on too, Only memories, Of what once was you. Missing your laugh, I will never again hear. That is the reality that fills me with so much fear. No more smile on your face, No more warmth of your embrace. The last hug, The last kiss, The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish... To have you Dad, here today, Never to leave your Daughter this way. A Father's touch, A Daddy's kiss, A grieving Daughter, YOU'RE GREATLY MISSED

Destructive Behavior...

Can you think of sex as a destructive behavior? Are all destructive behaviors bad? What makes a destructive behavior worth fixing? I know in my life I have gone out on a limb and started a destructive behavior, whether it be slightly promiscuous or drinking every weekend. I think everyone has a moment in their life where a destructive behavior happens. The question is, how do you know when your in a destructive behavior situation and how do you become strong enough and have enough will and self respect and self love to walk away from a situation that isn’t causing you any happiness? Me personally.. I normally have to be told how it really is by loved ones to get any sort of bubble going in my brain. Some people have told me that I am one of those people who may have to lose it all to find happiness again. I wouldn’t even have thought of myself being in a destructive behavior had no one told it to me.. I just thought it was a maybe a rebel phase that I was just trying new things and experiencing things that I didn’t when I was younger and obedient. Now that I think about it, was all of the destructive behavior really worth all the anguish and pain it has caused? How can you walk away from something that gives you such a high, yet you know its wrong?

So done!

     What kinda people think that they can do whatever they want and there are no consequences for it. I am sooo done with the men out there who think they are the exceptions to the rule. If they don't want me, fuck them.. there are 15 more who will want me. I'm sick of being the way I am sometimes, I wish I could be a cold hearted bitch. Have no feelings for anyone but myself. "How did I throw half a lifetime away without any thought at all? This should have been my time, its over, it never began. I closed my eyes to so much for so long and I no longer can".

     You shouldn't chase men that don't want you. It is a waste of time, and you may find they are a lot dumber or not really what you wanted in the first place after you get to know them better. You could have hardcore feelings for someone, and then one thing happens and your feelings are so gone, you wonder why you didn't think of it earlier. You realize you should have gotten out when you had the choice... It aches inside to think of all the time and energy you put into trying to be with someone who doesn't want you. I'm not sure if the whole maybe we can be something down the line was a coverup to "There is no chance in hell me and you are going to be together".

     I do sometimes live in a optimistic lifestyle of thinking. I think the guy who says he has never dated a girl like me is suddenly going to realize that I am the one for him. I think that the feelings that I have for him, will change his mind and nothing can change his mind, so why bother trying to be with someone who isnt worth it?
  

Can you change a man?

Can you change a man? Nope.. No matter what you do.. You cant change a man. He can budge a little. He can come halfway for you. Although a lot of guys expect women to change. Why do we have to change? Why? Is it because we are more adaptable? Is it because we are so much more emotional then most men they think we are desperate enough to change everything about ourselves for them? No man is worth losing yourself over. I had a relationship once that was one sided. It started out great. Then as we continued the relationship I realized that he wasn’t going to change the way he was for me. He wanted me to change some things about me but wasn’t willing to sacrifice anything on his part. He wanted me to be the type of person who just went along with whatever he had to say. Also known as a control freak I guess. What makes him think that its ok to just have a one sided relationship. People can change to a certain extent. When people get into a relationship it’s a two way exchange. People adapt there already strong selves to be with another person. They maybe try to prevent the other persons pet peeves or they try to remember to not leave the toilet seat up but in the end it is a 2 way street. If two people cant meet each other in the middle. There is no point to try. You gotta be on the same page for the book to be published.

Coming back for 2nds!

I have found as I have gone through life and through men, one thing remains true in my life. My ex’s always come back for 2nds. It is almost always a done deal type of thing. We break up and then maybe 3-5 months later, I hear from them. How are you? What are you up to? And then in inevitable, I miss you. Normally I wouldn’t know what to say and then I would be like, well you’re a little too late for the I miss you now aren’t you?, Had you done that before you wouldn’t have to be sitting here and crawling back to me like a sad puppy dog to it’s bone, and then I woke up. I wish I had the audacity and the cruelness sometimes to say things like that to ex’s, but unfortunately I did it once and I felt so bad, I apologized for it. There is no need to plot revenge, because as the saying goes “What goes around comes around” is completely true. One day he will do something that will make up for all the heartbreak and headaches he caused you, whether it step in dog shit or trip on a bright orange construction cone to make him so embarrassed he is unable to go anywhere for a week. There will be a day that will make him regret what he did or said. And Voila! He is back at your door with flowers. Don’t get me wrong about this message though. Now just because he shows up back at your apartment with flowers does not mean if you jump into something again it will be better then before. Maybe the sex will be more lively and the relationship will blossom for a week or so, you will inevitably end up with a second breakup. Date the wrong guy once, his bad. Date the wrong guy twice your bad.