I'm Not Who I was...

This song fits me perfectly. I hope you take the time to look it up and listen to it. 

"I'm Not Who I Was"
 By Brandon Heath

 I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

The Devil Wears Prada

"The Devil Wears Prada" although it is a phenomenal movie, has a major character flaw.  Anne Hathaway's character Andy doesn't do what she wants to do, or what she should. The scene where she is running down the stairs to make it to her boyfriend's party on time and is stopped by the writer that she admires. He tells her that she has the opportunity to meet with his editor of New York magazine and she turns it down, due to being late for his birthday. You should always do what is best for you. Never let a man stop you from doing what you want. If she had stayed, if her boyfriend wasn't such a prick, he would have understood and been happy she may have gotten a better job. It pisses me off that she is with someone who doesn't support her with her changes in life. Never be with someone who doesn't support you in your best time.

Tragic..

Due to the unlikely events that have taken place, I thought I would take the time to talk a little about what happened last night July 19th at 12:25am in Colorado at a theater for the Premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. A man walked into the theater and open fired on the packed theater full of all ages and walks of life. He had no one in particular that he wanted to target, but just walked in and started shooting. He was dressed like the Bane character in the movie, with bulletproof vests and a gas mask. I can't seem to wrap my head around why someone would do such a horrible thing. I want to take a moment to send out my internet prayers and send out my heart to the families that have lost loved ones or been injured. This was an act of violence that should have never occurred. You buy a ticket to a movie and you think your safe, you assume that nothing bad could happen while sitting in a movie theater, but apparently we were mistaken. The world is a scary place, and sometimes bad people do bad things that affect others so deeply that their lives are never the same. Being caught in a cross fire of bullets while watching a movie in a theater gives a whole new meaning to the word 3D. It is a tragic day for many, and it will be remembered that on that morning, someone did something that will never be forgotten and not in a good way.

Sex in a relationship?

If your not compatible sexually is it a doomsday for the rest of the relationship? I have had things with men in my life where the only thing going for us is the sexual compatibility. You can’t talk to them about anything and when your with them all you wanna do it hop in the next bed with them. I have also had the opposite with men. We get along great personality wise. He is funny and charming and has all the things a girl could want, but then when you kiss.. It feels like your kissing a guppy or worse you get slobbered on so that you feel as though you just kissed a Saint Bernard. I don’t have the answer to this question yet, It is still registering in my brain. It does bring up the question, how important is sexual attraction to you? It’s like I mentioned in the other column, I once dated a womanizer and that was amazing sex, and then there was a time when I dated a regular great guy and the sex was horrible. So it brings the question up. How important is sex in a relationship?

Strippers..

I find it horribly saddening and upsetting that men can go gawk at women at a strip club, but then when we go to see "Magic Mike" we get ridiculed about it. We are sexual beings too.. I like sex as much as the next woman.. I like to enjoy myself.. I like to have fun and I love hot men! lol.. What woman doesn't? Magic Mike is a movie that women can enjoy without even having to leave their house. In movies nowadays there are so many movies where woman are constantly getting naked. I can't tell you how many times I have seen women topless in movies, especially with the strip club scenes. I don't think I have seen one movie that had men as naked as they are in this movie, but you know what I have to say to that? ABOUT TIME! I am sick and tired of seeing boobs every 10 minutes in movies. I want to see men stripping and showing abs and ass's. It's about time that women can enjoy the sexual experiences of movies the way men can. I say make a "Magic Mike" 2-14. Let us enjoy the time we get with our sexual fantasies and wants. Sexual Power to women all the way :)

Signature position...

A signature sex position that isn’t the normal kind. I was enjoying myself one night with this guy and everyone had just left the room. We had closed the door and locked it and as he walked towards me, I couldn’t help but lose my breath. When he got to me, he wrapped his arms around me and we kissed, as we kissed he slowly started to push me onto the bed, but guess what? We totally missed and I ended up on the floor. I couldn’t help but think that the ironic part of it was that, it killed the moment but at the same time made it stronger. He asked if I was ok and then proceeded to fall onto the bed himself, he then missed the bed and fell himself. Making it twice as funny now that we both were on the floor. What made this a signature sex position, was the fact that then the next time we slept together, he fell on purpose to lighten the mood.

Man-anizer

My friend brought to my attention tonight that I was a mananizer. I don’t sleep with lots of men or anything but was addicted to the idea of men. I love men, the smell, the masculine way of them, the chiseled abs and amazing legs. I just never could seem to get enough of men. I have always been the kind of person to be totally into men. Ever since I was little even. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I loved men and even when I was in a relationship I always was into my man. It has always been a thing for me. Men was the equivalent of chocolate for me, and I hate chocolate. Ironic huh? So many women love chocolate but not me You are completely addicted to it and can’t ever seem to get enough of it, and once you had your fix for the day, you just seem to want more the next day.

Sex-capades

So what do you do when a guy your sleeping with tells you, your not adventurous enough? You go for a new position hoping that you will like it, but what if that doesn't work? Whats wrong with one position... why are all these men into all these different positions? Isn't sex supposed to be about the connection and shit between two people and a loving and wonderful thing... Now it just seems like it has turned into a who's the most flexible woman Olympics. I miss the times when sex was about the connections instead of the I'm the man so I make the rules bit. I am the woman with the parts and i control what happens. Ladies.. don't let your men take over the bedroom.. Be confident and you will find the right guy who will respect what you want :)

Sucks..

So what do you do when you have feelings for someone, but you know it will never work out. There are fun moments that you are excited about and maybe you and him are on a level that you have never been on, but you know in your heart that you will never be with him. You have a connection on a very sexual level, but he already has told you that he never wants to get married and he never wants to have a relationship with anyone ever again. The more you spend time with him, the more you want him, and then you find yourself tickled with good vibes when you think about how good the two of you would be together. Sigh* I guess I will have to just live without him that way and enjoy what I have... Sucks for us girls sometimes...

Confused...

     So what is it with men who believe they are confused as they call it. They don’t know if they want to be with you... the don’t know if your what they are looking for... I say fuck that! If you don’t know if I'm the one then date me and find out. I have found so many men lately who give me the excuse "I have a lot on my plate right now, I am going through some stuff, Women are just too much drama to deal with" the list goes on and on. What I thought at first was maybe its me? Maybe I am not pretty enough or fashionable enough or skinny enough for this person, but my second thought overthrew the first. If these guys are making up excuses as to why they cant date me.. then they must not really like me, they are trying to find a way to let me down easy without killing my self esteem or something. I personally think they are being chickens.. If they don’t like someone, don’t tell them that you have a lot of stuff going on, just tell them the truth.
    
     Now under extreme circumstances maybe they really do have something major going on. But then apparently I must have a magnet on me for men who have disasters happen to them. I hate mixed signals. I like you, but not enough to drop whatever lame excuse I am making up to take you out to dinner. I have to say.. Those type of men just irritate. Women watch out for the sweet talkers too! They are killer good at that! When Prince Charming comes along which I believe no matter who you are, you have one out there someplace. He will drop what he is doing whether it be laundry, watching a movie or picking up dog crap from the backyard and take you out on a date. If you like a woman enough you make time for her! End of story!

No fairytale

What do you do when the man you thought you knew, the man you cherished and cared for does a move that completely throws you off guard? How are you supposed to respond? Are you supported to just nonchalantly throw him out of your life? Are you supposed to forgive him or what he put you through? See here’s the funny part. He told me all of it.. He told me there would be no emotional attachment, he told me there would be no relationship, he is the way he is and that was the end of it. Although in my mind, it wasn’t. I thought I could make him into someone who wanted me. If I said and did all the right things, he would magically change his ways and see the truth. That we were made for each other, that there was no way in hell that we weren’t supposed to be together.
    
     Then I realized, unlike the life I wish I could lead. This is not like the story about Cinderella where he see’s her, says she is gorgeous, she loses her shoe, he finds her and they life happily ever after. This is more the real life story. He see’s her, thinks she is cute, flirts with her, makes her think she has a shot and then leaves her in the dark with nothing but her mind in a cloud of smoke going, where did I go wrong? Hell of a fairytale if you ask me. Maybe they should just flat out make books like that so that women will not grow up thinking fairytale’s exist. The imagination would eventually catch on. Someone will eventually come up with their own fairytale in their head and live happily ever after in their own world. We all have our own fairytale, some of us want to be movie stars and others want to be lawyers, some of us want to live in the country and nothing pleases some of us more then to live in the city. In the end you make up your own happy ending, so then why do so many people end up unhappy?
    
     What is the one thing that can make all your hurt and pain go away? Love. And what is the one thing that also can do the opposite? Pain, anguish, and just downright depression. Love. So why do we do it? Why do we constantly get into the battle of love? Why love at all? For some of us, it is the chance of finding a happy ending that is the best part, for others it is the chase that we love, for some even it might be the idea that love can conquer all. No matter what… through thick and thin, through rocks and oceans. The idea that Mr. Perfect is out there someplace still makes us all smile. It’s just finding him that is most the battle.

Relationships

So as I was sitting here watching my favorite show, it occurred to me. People try so hard to get into relationships, for a possibly heartbreak down the line.. Is it worth it to start a relationship, if it might again end up in heartbreak? The answer to that question is yes. In every relationship we are in, we always learn something, whether it be something small like how to eat with chopsticks or something big like realizing that you want children when you didn’t before. Every relationship is different. There may be parts that you may have de ja vu with and there may be things said that you might have remembered hearing before, but when it comes down to it. Every relationship works differently. The point is, once you get your heart broken, we all think it’s the end of the world.

     We think to ourselves that we may never love again, we have decided to just be lesbians and be done with the male population. The thing to remember while going through it all is that you can survive.. You can go on and you will move on. Now in some magazines it is said that to figure out how long it will take you to get over someone, take the time you were together and cut that in half and that should be the time it will take to get over them. That my friends is a crock. I was with a guy for 1 full year and it took me 2 years to fully get over him. Now, don’t think I'm pathetic or anything.. But it just depends on how hard you fall for someone and how you work as a human being.
  
      I have friends who are with guys. They break up and move on with a new man in less then 2 months. Unfortunately I have not had that privilege. I am a person who does everything with her feelings. I am run on emotions and yes that can be a great thing but also can create problems that you weren’t prepared for. For example: When you fall for a guy who has no emotions.. He doesn’t want to share, he just wants to be physical and go out to eat, that’s when I catch myself. I rarely date the guys I actually should because like most women in America I think they are all too good for me, and I wouldn’t have a chance in a million years. The truth is, the confidence level you have can play a major part in what types of guys you attract.

Mixed Signals

Mixed signals. The one thing that guys are the experts on. They can tell you one thing and do the complete opposite and give you the lame excuse well “Actions speak louder then words”. The one line that every man gets the option to tell someone when you get in a fight and he spits out hurtful words to you and then the next day comes home with flowers for you to make it all better. Hey you know what? Actions might speak louder then words, but you still said the words and I heard them and guess what? They still hurt!
     No matter what someone tells you I think that one of the most powerful things about being a human is the pleasure to hear. Although I also think that the thing that gets most people in trouble in life is the ability to hear. We can hear beautiful music and it makes us lose our minds into a place where no one can touch you or hurt you. And then you hear fighting and hurtful words that sting like a bee and those sometimes are the hardest to deal with. Although he said I’m sorry and brought you flowers.. The relationship is never the same again, because deep down you still remember what he said and it still hurts no matter what.
     Some men love to speak without thinking and women, you better watch out for those ones. They have no idea that what they say could have potentially hurt your feeling. Everyone has things they want to say to another person but don’t because of the fact that if they did, they would feel like a horrible person for saying it. It might be the truth, but the truth does not always set you free. You could really hurt someone’s feelings. I think Mixed signals are the same way. It can really hurt someone’s feelings to give them false hope of something that isn’t going to happen. Men seem to have the mixed signals idea down to a tee, so women beware!

Wrap up

Wrap Up



You hurt me in all ways
Shapes sizes and forms
With not a breath of dignity
You suddenly transformed

I cried tears of pain and anger
From the depths of my soul I did
You made me think what we had
Would mend a broken grid

Its hard to let you go,
It will happen in time
I just hope I can hold out
Till the end of this rhyme.

Where are you now?
Happy as can be
While I’m here sulking
With a bitter taste of defeat

You told me when we met them,
that she reminded you of me
I should have taken that as a sign,
That she would soon outdo me

You spent a lot of nights there
Kinda strange in a way
To spend so much time with a couple
who eventually broke away

You and her became close
you said she’s a sister to me
I trusted you and thought it was ok
Little did I know, stupid me

She seemed exciting to you
A slut in most eyes
I guess your dick was leading you
Unable to give clear eyes.

I thought you were the one for me
Forever me and you
I think it’s time you know
I’m getting over you.

Friends

I would not have gotten through all the crap with J. without my friends. Friends really do come in handy when you have a broken heart. For a long time I thought that in order to be happy you had to be in a relationship. Instead I realized that to be happy you have to have a handful of friends that you can count on for when the man in your life disappoints and you don't know where to go. I have a handful of friends and I am ok with that. Friends are what help you get by and call him an asshole when you miss him. They always remind you of why the two of you broke up in the first place when you start telling stories of him, they even know when to ask if your ok because they can tell your not yourself.

     I have a few friends in particular that come to mind. Jesse. Maddie and Mersadez.  I have known Jesse for almost 8 years, we have been through the good, the bad and the ugly and still we stick by each other and never lose the friendship. Every time we see each other it feels like old times. He knows me, loves me and understands me. Now Maddie. I never thought I would have such a strong bond with a girl after what the last few girls had done to me. She means the world to me. She would listen for hours on the phone and in person about me and J.. She always would be there to cheer me up or hold my hand. She understands me better then any girl I have ever met and although she is living in Santa Barbara now.  I still will consider her my closest girlfriend. She doesn't judge and we are sisters to the core. I always tell her Till death do us part. She is what made me the happiest. I owe everything to her for getting me out of my slump and helping me realize I don't deserve the treatment I got. Mersadez is my other half.. We always joke that if we put the two of us together, we would make one whole person.She is the sensible one and I am the dreamer. She understands I am a little more emotional then most. I write from the heart and me and her have that Creative Writing vibe. She understands that sometimes I need someone to listen and she does that for me. Without these 3 friends I don't know what I would do.I am not saying that my other friends didn't help. Mike, Linda, Courtney and countless others helped me through this hard time. I am just saying that through the hard times when I needed a friend, no matter what my boy and 2 M's were there! 

Dream 7/7/12

The dream I had last night was one of the hardest I think I have ever had to deal with. It was a dream about me and my last ex J. We were a couple and at someone's picnic. We were holding hands and hanging out till he got a phone call on his phone and walked out to take it. I hated that he always walked away when he was talking to someone, as if it was in secret. I then walked back to watch him on the phone and one of the waiters told me he was talking about breaking up with me on a phone call. I figured I knew who it was, and I pushed through all the people to get to him. As I was approaching him, he hung up the phone and smiled. I asked him who it was and he replied "_____" who at the time was just a friend, or so I thought. I went up and asked him if he was going to break up with him, and he told me of course not. He loved me and wanted to be together. I then hugged him and a photographer at that moment decided to come and take our picture. I refused to let him go so he took them revolving around him. I smiled as we took each picture and he was smiling as well. All my friends that had gathered said they had never seen me so happy before. Finally the last shot came up it was behind him with me over his shoulder hanging onto him and smiling. A very cute candid shot, and then I woke up. What the hell was that dream about?