Dr. Phil Show

So I was recently on the Dr. Phil Show to talk about my past relationships. I must admit at first I was a little scared to admit the horrid stories and details of the gruesome relationships I had been in, in the past. After a bit of thinking about it though, I realized I should do it and went on the show. I am giving the link for any of my followers who want to see it. It will Air on Dec 4th. http://www.drphil.com/shows/listing/?localListing=CA&formAction=save 

Thanks for everyone's support in reading my blogs :)
 

Dream...

So dreaming is something that everyone does. We all have those moments where we wake up and are completely dumbfounded as to why we had that dream. I had a dream like that last night, and at the current moment I can't say why my subconscious had my ex in the dream, but in the coming weeks, I will. It started off like sort of the Family Stone. If you have seen the movie, you will understand what I am talking about. The relatives I have at the house, I have never seen before, but I know they are related to me. Suddenly my ex J walks into the kitchen. He comes up to me and instantly apologizes for what has happened and I just turn around and face my back to him. I then can hear F"s laugh in the other room and I turn around and say to him "You brought her?" He then says "I'm engaged, and you know me and you wouldn't have worked out in the long run." then out of no where he suddenly kisses me and he won't stop. He opens the door to the back yard and pulls me through it, still holding me. We then went around the corner of the house and proceeded to have passionate sex behind it. The entire time it's happening he is telling me that he loves me and he is so sorry. We finally stop and then walk back up the path to the house. He lets go of my hand and then walks back into the house. My sister (played by Rachel Mcadams) comes outside and asks what's wrong. I wake up right then...

When you dream..

When you dream of someone they say that, that means that that person is thinking of you. I think that particular saying is complete and udder bullshit. I doubt that the guy or girl that broke your heart into a million pieces and basically ruined who you were at one point, is gonna look back and regret what he or she did. Most people who are vindictive and horrible to others, don't even realize their mistakes. It can take months or even years later till they realize what a horrible person they were. If you bf or gf cheated on you, they moved on and they don't care what happens to you. Now there are exceptions to the rule, but they are few and far between. So in other words, when someone walks away, just leave it alone and if they pop up in a dream, they are just part of the sub conscious of your brain, nothing more.

Losing someone you care about..

I am sorry I have not been able to write as often. When life gives you lemons you gotta try to make lemonade. My good friend Jesse Perez past away this last week from Sarcoma Cancer. Today I went to the burial and made my last respects to the family and to say my goodbye to him. Death is never an easy thing to deal with. I watched his family break into tears and his father raise his hands several times to the sky. Once the doves were let go, I broke down. It's hard watching someone who was only 23/24 years old die so young. You will always be remembered Jesse, for your kind heart and loving personality. You were one of the most talented actors I know and I'm sure you have a center stage role in heaven. RIP Jesse P.

FWB?

Is it better to be Friends with benefits with a guy then in an actual relationship? Think about it for a second. In FWB you don't have to constantly call the person or worry about what they are worried about. You can call them up if you wanna hang out with no strings attached and just do what you love to do. You don't have to worry about going out with your girlfriends in worry that he will get jealous and ruin your entire night. There is no pressure at all to do much of anything. It's an agreement between 2 people that they are only going to stay friends with benefits. Now, here is where it gets tricky. As a woman whenever we have sex with someone there is some sort of emotional attachment that you get with a man. The thing about FWB is that you have to be careful not to fall for the guy. It is possible to go from FWB to a relationship, but normally it isn't a good idea, hence why after I go past a certain level I can't just stay friends with someone. FWB is a good idea when the two people are in agreement that it will never go past just FWB. If you do have a FWB person then just make sure your careful. Your heart is an important organ and you don't want to let yourself down by overdoing it.

Affecting the current flow...

After having a few dates with a guy and getting to know him as a person and if he is compatible with you, the inevitable question of the ex always seems to pop up. They want to know what happened, why it happened, where it happened and all of the questions that you still may have in your brain as well. When we date someone new, is it ok to tell your new guy about what happened in your last relationship, or do you keep it to yourself? When a new guy comes into your life, you feel as though you are ontop of the world, nothing can bring you down, nothing can jar you, until the question of the ex pops up. You want the guy your with to know what you have been through, but there is a hesitation to tell him. What if he thinks that your still in love with your ex? What if he thinks you went way out of proportion with what happened between you and the ex? And how do you know when to shut up? How many times have people asked us about our ex's and it turns into a 30 minute conversation that we really didn't want to go into. In reality what I am trying to get at is that relationships in the past, can greatly affect a relationship your in now. It can go both ways. So just be careful when giving information about an ex. The way the break-up happened can tell a lot about a person. For example: If you were one of those women to take a hammer to a guys X-box the minute something goes wrong, then that might tell a guy that you have buttons that he may not want to even go to. You have to be careful when you talk about ex's. They can be a bomb that can explode and make your new flame, not so interested in you as you were thinking. Ex Boyfriend Drama = Men running in the opposite direction.

A New Chapter...

As my life seems to be changing before my very eyes, sometimes you have to change your something for your lifestyle choice. I have joined a Gym and work out every day for at least an hour. I am eating healthier and feeling better and the weight is slowly thinning away. I have just been given a job promotion at work with a hefty raise and I start school in less then a week. A lot on my plate and yet I feel something is missing. Is it a man? Is it lack of sleep? Is it a something? No, it's a haircut. Some women when they feel that life is going somewhere different decide to shop, date lots of men or even get a bikini wax. Me, on the other hand, when I feel like needs a change. I cut my hair, and maybe color it. I need a change for my new school year coming up. It feels like finally for the first time in my life, I don't need a man. I don't need someone to nag me about every little thing, or worry about saying the wrong thing. This time is about me and for the first time in a long time, I like it that way. Sure I will go on some dates here and there, but they aren't serious. I am getting serious about myself and my life, and I must say... It feels so good.

Getting on the train, or missing it..

So for all you ladies out there that suffer from hating men because of their gamer addiction problem, sorry to say but you will never overcome this addiction. Men, apparently no matter what the age, when it comes to certain sports and certain video games, can't seem to lay off or pay attention to anything else while engrossed in these activities. This to me seems odd. One night while I was in a relationship, way long ago, I had a boyfriend who was addicted to video games, one particular video game in particular Call of Duty Black Ops. The one video game I despise now and probably always will. This particular game was so popular, there were Red Bull girls who were half naked at the midnight party at Game stop. Seriously, do we really need half naked chicks at video game openings? Yes, unfortunately I went. That's what good girlfriends do for boyfriends with an addiction. Anyhow, to continue, I went to Victoria Secret one afternoon and picked out something really special, I figured I would surprise him. When I got home from the mall, there he was on the television playing, yes you guessed it, Black Ops. I immediately thought to myself I will give him a few hours and then change into the sexy red lingerie I had picked out. 4 hours later, I decided to finally change into it, with him still playing the game. As I opened the door, I figured he might look to the side to see me, but no such luck. So I did the only thing I could think of at the moment. I walked right in front of the T.V. and smiled. He finally seemed to see me and he said the worst thing you could possibly say to a woman in this particular instance. He said "Babe, your in my way." How could he possibly say that when I'm in lingerie giving him sex in a nutshell? I instantly got sort of pissed and walked out to go put my clothes back on. I decided to go to bed early that night and at around 2am or so he finally came to bed with his own agenda. I turned him down flat and turned over to go back to bed. The mere thought of him trying was infuriating. You had your chance when I was standing in front of you in new lingerie, and you didn't take it. I am not giving it to you now, you missed the train, maybe it will stop in your neighborhood again in a day or so. The men I have told this story to find it incredibly hard to understand. Given the opportunity between sex and video games, most of my guy friends picked sex. It amazes me that some men are just born to ignore all the important parts of a relationship and society.. If I wanted sex earlier, what makes you think that when it's convenient for you, I am gonna open my legs. Like I said, if you miss the train... TOO BAD!

Picking up women..

As I was at the Gym tonight working out for my triathlon in December, My friend C. and I started talking about all the hot awesome men that were in the gym at the same exact time as us. The question arose of whether or not the gym would be a suitable place to meet a man. The more women work out, the more men seem to like them. It shows that they care about their body and want to look better. So why not pick up a man at the gym. It can't be the worst idea in the world. We also talked about how at least if you were hit on at a gym at least the guy would be sober. So many times you go to bars and a man will come up to you and hit on you and you can't tell if he is drunk or sober. At least at a gym if a guy comes up to hit on you, you know he's sober. You know that it's not just the alcohol talking. So many times when men get drunk, they want to get laid and they don't care by who because they are drunk. At least at the gym you know that the man can see clearly. Makes you feel a little better when you get hit on at the gym. I go there not only to get fit and in shape, but also so that I can give my eyes the luxury of some eye candy.

Dreaming about Death?

I had a dream last night that freaked me out to no extent, but then I read online about what the dream meant and was much more pleasantly surprised! 

 DREAM MOODS DICTIONARY:

To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol.  Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

Girlfriend Material?

As I sit here on a hot heated night drinking a glass of wine, I can't help but think about that last horrible relationship fail that happened to me. When a guy tells you that he doesn't want to date, normally you would just shrug it off and move on. But what if you really like a guy? I have been interested in this guy for over a year and I was being very patient. Do you just give it all up or tell him you will just stay friends? Well I decided to tell the guy I liked that we could stay friends. Big mistake on my part, because not even a week ago, he sent me a message on Facebook asking if he could come see me on Sunday, after his date. As I read the message over and over in my head, I figured when he said date he meant like a friend date with N. his good guy friend. I immediately messaged him back saying sure. About 2 days after Sunday had come and gone, I got another message from him saying that his date had gone longer then expected and obviously he wasn't going to be able to make it. I figured he forgot what day it was. I shrugged it off and just let it go. 2 days later I get another message asking me if we could hang out that Friday night. I replied with well I hope it doesn't get in the way of your date, trying to come up with a sly remark back to him. He replied with, "She is an old friend that I thought I had lost my chance with, but we are trying again."When I heard that I immediately told him that I was not only busy on Friday night but was also disappointed that he knew how much I liked him, yet he still decided to date someone else. He replied with "We'll talk later." That was over 3 days ago. I know that men can change their minds and give no excuse what so ever about why... but why did it have to be him? Am I not girlfriend material? Am I not someone that someone can desire and want? Why when a woman likes a man do they instantly run when they find out? These are answers I may never answer, but for now, I am standing up proud and saying goodbye. Men work in weird ways sometimes. Oh well.. I guess onto the next one!

Certain things to never say...

Are there certain things that you aren't supposed to say when you are in a relationship? How far do the boundaries really go? Can you tell a woman that she looks fat in that dress, or is that frowned upon because you will hurt her feelings. When a man asks you a question about him in bed... Do you tell him what you really think or do you just pretend that it's all good. Being honest in a relationship is important, although on the other hand can bring the relationship to disaster. Think about if every time you wanted to tell someone what you honestly think, how many times have you stopped yourself? Sure we have all thought about it, but there are only a few select people who will actually say it. Those people are either considered conceited and jealous of the other person, or just a flat out bitch or dick. There is no real way to avoid the certain things that we all wish we could say in relationships. I remember this one time, when a guy broke up with me by text message and when I asked the inevitable question "Did I do something wrong?" His answer took me by surprise. He said "To be honest, Yes you did." At that point you have two options, either ask and see what you did wrong, or just forget it and move on. Asking might hurt you even more then not. I decided at that moment to just drop it and that was it. Why agonize over the way you are? You are who you are and what annoys one person, may not annoy all people. You just gotta be prepared to answer the hard questions, even when you don't want to.

I'm Not Who I was...

This song fits me perfectly. I hope you take the time to look it up and listen to it. 

"I'm Not Who I Was"
 By Brandon Heath

 I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

Oooo Nah nah nah nah nah

And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

The Devil Wears Prada

"The Devil Wears Prada" although it is a phenomenal movie, has a major character flaw.  Anne Hathaway's character Andy doesn't do what she wants to do, or what she should. The scene where she is running down the stairs to make it to her boyfriend's party on time and is stopped by the writer that she admires. He tells her that she has the opportunity to meet with his editor of New York magazine and she turns it down, due to being late for his birthday. You should always do what is best for you. Never let a man stop you from doing what you want. If she had stayed, if her boyfriend wasn't such a prick, he would have understood and been happy she may have gotten a better job. It pisses me off that she is with someone who doesn't support her with her changes in life. Never be with someone who doesn't support you in your best time.

Tragic..

Due to the unlikely events that have taken place, I thought I would take the time to talk a little about what happened last night July 19th at 12:25am in Colorado at a theater for the Premiere of The Dark Knight Rises. A man walked into the theater and open fired on the packed theater full of all ages and walks of life. He had no one in particular that he wanted to target, but just walked in and started shooting. He was dressed like the Bane character in the movie, with bulletproof vests and a gas mask. I can't seem to wrap my head around why someone would do such a horrible thing. I want to take a moment to send out my internet prayers and send out my heart to the families that have lost loved ones or been injured. This was an act of violence that should have never occurred. You buy a ticket to a movie and you think your safe, you assume that nothing bad could happen while sitting in a movie theater, but apparently we were mistaken. The world is a scary place, and sometimes bad people do bad things that affect others so deeply that their lives are never the same. Being caught in a cross fire of bullets while watching a movie in a theater gives a whole new meaning to the word 3D. It is a tragic day for many, and it will be remembered that on that morning, someone did something that will never be forgotten and not in a good way.

Sex in a relationship?

If your not compatible sexually is it a doomsday for the rest of the relationship? I have had things with men in my life where the only thing going for us is the sexual compatibility. You can’t talk to them about anything and when your with them all you wanna do it hop in the next bed with them. I have also had the opposite with men. We get along great personality wise. He is funny and charming and has all the things a girl could want, but then when you kiss.. It feels like your kissing a guppy or worse you get slobbered on so that you feel as though you just kissed a Saint Bernard. I don’t have the answer to this question yet, It is still registering in my brain. It does bring up the question, how important is sexual attraction to you? It’s like I mentioned in the other column, I once dated a womanizer and that was amazing sex, and then there was a time when I dated a regular great guy and the sex was horrible. So it brings the question up. How important is sex in a relationship?

Strippers..

I find it horribly saddening and upsetting that men can go gawk at women at a strip club, but then when we go to see "Magic Mike" we get ridiculed about it. We are sexual beings too.. I like sex as much as the next woman.. I like to enjoy myself.. I like to have fun and I love hot men! lol.. What woman doesn't? Magic Mike is a movie that women can enjoy without even having to leave their house. In movies nowadays there are so many movies where woman are constantly getting naked. I can't tell you how many times I have seen women topless in movies, especially with the strip club scenes. I don't think I have seen one movie that had men as naked as they are in this movie, but you know what I have to say to that? ABOUT TIME! I am sick and tired of seeing boobs every 10 minutes in movies. I want to see men stripping and showing abs and ass's. It's about time that women can enjoy the sexual experiences of movies the way men can. I say make a "Magic Mike" 2-14. Let us enjoy the time we get with our sexual fantasies and wants. Sexual Power to women all the way :)

Signature position...

A signature sex position that isn’t the normal kind. I was enjoying myself one night with this guy and everyone had just left the room. We had closed the door and locked it and as he walked towards me, I couldn’t help but lose my breath. When he got to me, he wrapped his arms around me and we kissed, as we kissed he slowly started to push me onto the bed, but guess what? We totally missed and I ended up on the floor. I couldn’t help but think that the ironic part of it was that, it killed the moment but at the same time made it stronger. He asked if I was ok and then proceeded to fall onto the bed himself, he then missed the bed and fell himself. Making it twice as funny now that we both were on the floor. What made this a signature sex position, was the fact that then the next time we slept together, he fell on purpose to lighten the mood.

Man-anizer

My friend brought to my attention tonight that I was a mananizer. I don’t sleep with lots of men or anything but was addicted to the idea of men. I love men, the smell, the masculine way of them, the chiseled abs and amazing legs. I just never could seem to get enough of men. I have always been the kind of person to be totally into men. Ever since I was little even. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I loved men and even when I was in a relationship I always was into my man. It has always been a thing for me. Men was the equivalent of chocolate for me, and I hate chocolate. Ironic huh? So many women love chocolate but not me You are completely addicted to it and can’t ever seem to get enough of it, and once you had your fix for the day, you just seem to want more the next day.

Sex-capades

So what do you do when a guy your sleeping with tells you, your not adventurous enough? You go for a new position hoping that you will like it, but what if that doesn't work? Whats wrong with one position... why are all these men into all these different positions? Isn't sex supposed to be about the connection and shit between two people and a loving and wonderful thing... Now it just seems like it has turned into a who's the most flexible woman Olympics. I miss the times when sex was about the connections instead of the I'm the man so I make the rules bit. I am the woman with the parts and i control what happens. Ladies.. don't let your men take over the bedroom.. Be confident and you will find the right guy who will respect what you want :)

Sucks..

So what do you do when you have feelings for someone, but you know it will never work out. There are fun moments that you are excited about and maybe you and him are on a level that you have never been on, but you know in your heart that you will never be with him. You have a connection on a very sexual level, but he already has told you that he never wants to get married and he never wants to have a relationship with anyone ever again. The more you spend time with him, the more you want him, and then you find yourself tickled with good vibes when you think about how good the two of you would be together. Sigh* I guess I will have to just live without him that way and enjoy what I have... Sucks for us girls sometimes...

Confused...

     So what is it with men who believe they are confused as they call it. They don’t know if they want to be with you... the don’t know if your what they are looking for... I say fuck that! If you don’t know if I'm the one then date me and find out. I have found so many men lately who give me the excuse "I have a lot on my plate right now, I am going through some stuff, Women are just too much drama to deal with" the list goes on and on. What I thought at first was maybe its me? Maybe I am not pretty enough or fashionable enough or skinny enough for this person, but my second thought overthrew the first. If these guys are making up excuses as to why they cant date me.. then they must not really like me, they are trying to find a way to let me down easy without killing my self esteem or something. I personally think they are being chickens.. If they don’t like someone, don’t tell them that you have a lot of stuff going on, just tell them the truth.
    
     Now under extreme circumstances maybe they really do have something major going on. But then apparently I must have a magnet on me for men who have disasters happen to them. I hate mixed signals. I like you, but not enough to drop whatever lame excuse I am making up to take you out to dinner. I have to say.. Those type of men just irritate. Women watch out for the sweet talkers too! They are killer good at that! When Prince Charming comes along which I believe no matter who you are, you have one out there someplace. He will drop what he is doing whether it be laundry, watching a movie or picking up dog crap from the backyard and take you out on a date. If you like a woman enough you make time for her! End of story!

No fairytale

What do you do when the man you thought you knew, the man you cherished and cared for does a move that completely throws you off guard? How are you supposed to respond? Are you supported to just nonchalantly throw him out of your life? Are you supposed to forgive him or what he put you through? See here’s the funny part. He told me all of it.. He told me there would be no emotional attachment, he told me there would be no relationship, he is the way he is and that was the end of it. Although in my mind, it wasn’t. I thought I could make him into someone who wanted me. If I said and did all the right things, he would magically change his ways and see the truth. That we were made for each other, that there was no way in hell that we weren’t supposed to be together.
    
     Then I realized, unlike the life I wish I could lead. This is not like the story about Cinderella where he see’s her, says she is gorgeous, she loses her shoe, he finds her and they life happily ever after. This is more the real life story. He see’s her, thinks she is cute, flirts with her, makes her think she has a shot and then leaves her in the dark with nothing but her mind in a cloud of smoke going, where did I go wrong? Hell of a fairytale if you ask me. Maybe they should just flat out make books like that so that women will not grow up thinking fairytale’s exist. The imagination would eventually catch on. Someone will eventually come up with their own fairytale in their head and live happily ever after in their own world. We all have our own fairytale, some of us want to be movie stars and others want to be lawyers, some of us want to live in the country and nothing pleases some of us more then to live in the city. In the end you make up your own happy ending, so then why do so many people end up unhappy?
    
     What is the one thing that can make all your hurt and pain go away? Love. And what is the one thing that also can do the opposite? Pain, anguish, and just downright depression. Love. So why do we do it? Why do we constantly get into the battle of love? Why love at all? For some of us, it is the chance of finding a happy ending that is the best part, for others it is the chase that we love, for some even it might be the idea that love can conquer all. No matter what… through thick and thin, through rocks and oceans. The idea that Mr. Perfect is out there someplace still makes us all smile. It’s just finding him that is most the battle.

Relationships

So as I was sitting here watching my favorite show, it occurred to me. People try so hard to get into relationships, for a possibly heartbreak down the line.. Is it worth it to start a relationship, if it might again end up in heartbreak? The answer to that question is yes. In every relationship we are in, we always learn something, whether it be something small like how to eat with chopsticks or something big like realizing that you want children when you didn’t before. Every relationship is different. There may be parts that you may have de ja vu with and there may be things said that you might have remembered hearing before, but when it comes down to it. Every relationship works differently. The point is, once you get your heart broken, we all think it’s the end of the world.

     We think to ourselves that we may never love again, we have decided to just be lesbians and be done with the male population. The thing to remember while going through it all is that you can survive.. You can go on and you will move on. Now in some magazines it is said that to figure out how long it will take you to get over someone, take the time you were together and cut that in half and that should be the time it will take to get over them. That my friends is a crock. I was with a guy for 1 full year and it took me 2 years to fully get over him. Now, don’t think I'm pathetic or anything.. But it just depends on how hard you fall for someone and how you work as a human being.
  
      I have friends who are with guys. They break up and move on with a new man in less then 2 months. Unfortunately I have not had that privilege. I am a person who does everything with her feelings. I am run on emotions and yes that can be a great thing but also can create problems that you weren’t prepared for. For example: When you fall for a guy who has no emotions.. He doesn’t want to share, he just wants to be physical and go out to eat, that’s when I catch myself. I rarely date the guys I actually should because like most women in America I think they are all too good for me, and I wouldn’t have a chance in a million years. The truth is, the confidence level you have can play a major part in what types of guys you attract.

Mixed Signals

Mixed signals. The one thing that guys are the experts on. They can tell you one thing and do the complete opposite and give you the lame excuse well “Actions speak louder then words”. The one line that every man gets the option to tell someone when you get in a fight and he spits out hurtful words to you and then the next day comes home with flowers for you to make it all better. Hey you know what? Actions might speak louder then words, but you still said the words and I heard them and guess what? They still hurt!
     No matter what someone tells you I think that one of the most powerful things about being a human is the pleasure to hear. Although I also think that the thing that gets most people in trouble in life is the ability to hear. We can hear beautiful music and it makes us lose our minds into a place where no one can touch you or hurt you. And then you hear fighting and hurtful words that sting like a bee and those sometimes are the hardest to deal with. Although he said I’m sorry and brought you flowers.. The relationship is never the same again, because deep down you still remember what he said and it still hurts no matter what.
     Some men love to speak without thinking and women, you better watch out for those ones. They have no idea that what they say could have potentially hurt your feeling. Everyone has things they want to say to another person but don’t because of the fact that if they did, they would feel like a horrible person for saying it. It might be the truth, but the truth does not always set you free. You could really hurt someone’s feelings. I think Mixed signals are the same way. It can really hurt someone’s feelings to give them false hope of something that isn’t going to happen. Men seem to have the mixed signals idea down to a tee, so women beware!

Wrap up

Wrap Up



You hurt me in all ways
Shapes sizes and forms
With not a breath of dignity
You suddenly transformed

I cried tears of pain and anger
From the depths of my soul I did
You made me think what we had
Would mend a broken grid

Its hard to let you go,
It will happen in time
I just hope I can hold out
Till the end of this rhyme.

Where are you now?
Happy as can be
While I’m here sulking
With a bitter taste of defeat

You told me when we met them,
that she reminded you of me
I should have taken that as a sign,
That she would soon outdo me

You spent a lot of nights there
Kinda strange in a way
To spend so much time with a couple
who eventually broke away

You and her became close
you said she’s a sister to me
I trusted you and thought it was ok
Little did I know, stupid me

She seemed exciting to you
A slut in most eyes
I guess your dick was leading you
Unable to give clear eyes.

I thought you were the one for me
Forever me and you
I think it’s time you know
I’m getting over you.

Friends

I would not have gotten through all the crap with J. without my friends. Friends really do come in handy when you have a broken heart. For a long time I thought that in order to be happy you had to be in a relationship. Instead I realized that to be happy you have to have a handful of friends that you can count on for when the man in your life disappoints and you don't know where to go. I have a handful of friends and I am ok with that. Friends are what help you get by and call him an asshole when you miss him. They always remind you of why the two of you broke up in the first place when you start telling stories of him, they even know when to ask if your ok because they can tell your not yourself.

     I have a few friends in particular that come to mind. Jesse. Maddie and Mersadez.  I have known Jesse for almost 8 years, we have been through the good, the bad and the ugly and still we stick by each other and never lose the friendship. Every time we see each other it feels like old times. He knows me, loves me and understands me. Now Maddie. I never thought I would have such a strong bond with a girl after what the last few girls had done to me. She means the world to me. She would listen for hours on the phone and in person about me and J.. She always would be there to cheer me up or hold my hand. She understands me better then any girl I have ever met and although she is living in Santa Barbara now.  I still will consider her my closest girlfriend. She doesn't judge and we are sisters to the core. I always tell her Till death do us part. She is what made me the happiest. I owe everything to her for getting me out of my slump and helping me realize I don't deserve the treatment I got. Mersadez is my other half.. We always joke that if we put the two of us together, we would make one whole person.She is the sensible one and I am the dreamer. She understands I am a little more emotional then most. I write from the heart and me and her have that Creative Writing vibe. She understands that sometimes I need someone to listen and she does that for me. Without these 3 friends I don't know what I would do.I am not saying that my other friends didn't help. Mike, Linda, Courtney and countless others helped me through this hard time. I am just saying that through the hard times when I needed a friend, no matter what my boy and 2 M's were there! 

Dream 7/7/12

The dream I had last night was one of the hardest I think I have ever had to deal with. It was a dream about me and my last ex J. We were a couple and at someone's picnic. We were holding hands and hanging out till he got a phone call on his phone and walked out to take it. I hated that he always walked away when he was talking to someone, as if it was in secret. I then walked back to watch him on the phone and one of the waiters told me he was talking about breaking up with me on a phone call. I figured I knew who it was, and I pushed through all the people to get to him. As I was approaching him, he hung up the phone and smiled. I asked him who it was and he replied "_____" who at the time was just a friend, or so I thought. I went up and asked him if he was going to break up with him, and he told me of course not. He loved me and wanted to be together. I then hugged him and a photographer at that moment decided to come and take our picture. I refused to let him go so he took them revolving around him. I smiled as we took each picture and he was smiling as well. All my friends that had gathered said they had never seen me so happy before. Finally the last shot came up it was behind him with me over his shoulder hanging onto him and smiling. A very cute candid shot, and then I woke up. What the hell was that dream about?