Is it actually possible?

Is it possible that K has finally gotten the idea that she might need to find a new boyfriend? Poor girl is getting the same thing I was. Being treated like dirt after all I had done for him, but like I said before. He gets bored and when someone else can buy him things that you no longer can, then he moves on. He has no feelings.. so really.. She is dealing with an emotionless creature. He has a control about him that is really very scary. He can just make you do anything by his wit and charm. He is one of those Cowboy Casanovas you really don't ever want to meet. Maybe a little more abuse and she will get it. Then again maybe not. I don't know how to get it to her that she is in a relationship that isn't going to go where she wants. Leave him and its the smartest choice she will ever make. You see the real will after a few months. I just hope she can see it before something big happens.

Thanksgiving...

I dont think I will ever have a thanksgiving quite like the one I had tonight. I have never had a boyfriend on Thanksgiving and today was the first time I did. It started out with everyone meeting him which most people already knew him. We all hung out, bullshitted about this and that and drank some wine, vodka, rum or whatever your choosing was. We all then went to the kitchen table and picked out our wide assortment of foods. We had a lot of food and we all sat down to eat. All of this was extremely normal for a regular thanksgiving except for one thing. This was the first time in a year that I had seen my family all together. I didn't go to anything last year and it just hit me as I sat down. My mom's best friend Debbie  rose her glass to just say a general prayer for everyone and that's when it hit me. I was so thankful for what I had in front of me. All the people that support me even though I abandoned my family for a full year.. All the feeling came to me and as soon as my mom stopped talking was when I burst into tears. Not on purpose.. not even for the idea of being upset. It was tears of joy. I was then surprised to look over and find not only I was crying, but so was my boyfriend. When I looked at him and saw him crying i asked him, baby why should u be crying? He replied.. I miss my family and I am so thankful I found you and have you in my life. Your stuck with me. It was just so amazing to have him tell me how wonderful it was to have me in his life. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't wait to spend all my holidays with him. I love him so much and he made this a thanksgiving I will never forget!

Rage..

How is it possible I have so much rage for W? Why does this rage fill my soul currently where I just wish so many horrible things on him. Maybe its because he fucked up my life. He controlled my life to the point I couldn't even be myself. I would call my best friend Jes all the time crying because I was so unhappy. I hate feeling like this rage is eating me alive. The blackmailing part is what eats at me. How could he be so horrible to me after everything me and him went through. He burned the best friend book.. every last page.. HOW COULD HE DO THAT! The rage I have for him, so seems to eat at me more and more. I can live without him, its just the idea of why would he be like this to me after all we have been through. Does he really have no heart? He deserved to get his ass handed to him that night. I thought that might knock some sense into him, but it made everything harder on him. If he had started treating me better maybe it wouldn't have come to where it did. Ugh.. I hate this feeling. I want to stop having so much rage in general.

Rid of the drama in my life.

I guess I should have seen it coming but I guess it took a man like the one I have to make me understand that W wasn't good for me in the first place. Let me start from the beginning of the night to make sure I make sense. The night started with Me, J, K (W's gf), W and A (W's little brother). We started the night out just like all the other ones. Just hanging at W's and then everyone took turns going on the back of the bike like always. First it was W, then it was A and then finally K went on it. It made me really jealous and I am not really sure why. Just the idea of her arms around J make my stomach curl. It certainly pissed off W to have her on the back of the bike, especially with the comment W gave saying "give her a good ride" and K was like "don't worry he will" and because he knew how I felt about the whole thing,  J was so sweet when he decided to text me to let me know that it was ok and that he loved me. Later on we ended up dropping K off towards the end of the night and then it was just me, J, W and A. On our way back home me and W got into a huge fight no surprise there, and we ended up pulling over and A went in and tried to choke W because of his inability to treat me right and being a total asshole. They went at it and I got out of the car to try to fix it and W shoved me out of the way and tried to grab the keys and run. Well.. me and A just sat at the car while W walked away.  Me and A figuring we could give him some space, so we just waited for J to turn around and come back. Then as soon as J came over and parked, me and A walked over to him and tried to explain what happened. Well the moment that J heard the words shove and about me he got off the bike in a rage and went running towards where W had gone like a bat outta hell. When he got there, all I could see hear was W screaming "I didn't hit her" and J saying "What the fuck did I tell you about touching her? At that instant I knew I was going to have to choose sides. My best friend or my boyfriend. Just then a cop came driving up and the next thing I remember is W running towards the cop car holding his head and yelling your boyfriend is going to jail. I figured out then that J had punched W in the face for putting his hands on me. I couldn't believe that he would do something like that, but at the same time I was relieved that he did. The rest of the night was kinda of a blur. Me and W continued to fight and will kept being asked if he wanted to press charges and he kept saying he didn't know yet. Finally he decided not to press charges because otherwise they both would have been thrown in jail. It had been a very hectic night and in conclusion. I lost my "best friend" that night. I choose J over W because I felt it was the best decision I could have made. I have a guy who treats me like gold and makes me feel like I can fly and doesn't put me down or make me feel bad about myself, and then a best friend who calls me tubby and fatass and who has lead me on for the last year making me think that he wanted to be my boyfriend but instead used me for my money and didn't really want to be my boyfriend after all. When I finally started rebelling was when he started picking fights with me. Some people will never learn.

I found him!

I found my Knight in Shining Armor. He is everything I could ever want and more! He makes me feel like I can fly and I just can't get enough of him. Let me start from the beginning. I met this guy Je. on okcupid about 3 months ago. We were going to hang out but never had the chance to until one night he randomly called me and was like lets hang out. He came to pick me up and little did he know I already knew the other girl in the car. It was M. So me and M hung out with them for the night and W came along as well. Well.. J seemed interested in M so I backed off and decided to try to see where me and Je. could go. Well that blew up in my face the minute I realized I had a bigger thing for J then Je. So anyhow.. Me and J started talking and then he started txting M all this stuff, which created drama and so I thought to myself maybe I should just forget it and find someone else. Well On Sept 11th, A got jumped at the skatepark and ended up in the hospital. So I went as fast as I could to go see him and J and Je came to visit to make sure he was ok. That night I knew J wanted to be there for me and that there was a possibility. W and K kept telling me back off... he isn't interested and he wont be. You are not his type. Little did they know that, that same day was the day that he asked me to be his and we have been inseparable ever since. My parents absolutely love him and he is basically living at my house. We are both looking for jobs again since I lost my job at Teavana. I could not ask for a better boyfriend. He is charming, loving, handsome, caring, smart, gosh and the list goes on and on. I hope I never lose him. He means so much to me and I couldn't imagine life without him at this point.

Fucking asshole..

Why does W constantly do this? Make fun of me? Call me tubby and fat ass and think its ok. I dont appreciate it nor do I like it. Its like he needs to make fun of me to make himself feel better... It pisses me off soooo bad! Why does he have to hurt me? Why? I'm passed the point of crying over it... I am just lividly pissed that he seems to have to spit out hurtful words.. and I get pissed when he fucking ignores me, but its not ok for me to be pissed at him. He has to spit out fuck you and be a total asshole. I know he cares, but sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how and why? Why blackmail someone to pay for your car? Why tell them if u don't pay for it your not going to be their friend anymore? WTF! What kinda friendship is that? Whatever.. I'm over it...

Take me the way I am...

I was sitting here thinking to myself about my first love, D.. How simple life was back then. How much I enjoyed the small little things in the relationship and how much I wished it would never end. It reminded me of K and W. The devotion they both have with each other and how they interact. They can't be without one another for minutes at a time, and crave seeing the other one all the time. It was the same with me and D. I would miss him all the time and he was all I could think about all the time. When we would get into fights I couldn't seem to do anything. We hardly ever fought until it came to his parents who after they found an alarming note in his dresser drawer, no longer liked me. It made life a lot harder, having to sneak around and all that to see him, but we were determined. D loved me for me. He never tried to change me or tell me who to hang out with. I miss him some days. I miss the purity of the relationship. I miss those days where sex wasn't the thing that bonded you to a relationship. You just wanted to see each other, with no sexual bonds, I mean sure the urges were still there, but you resisted them. I wish I had lost my V card to D. I wish a lot of things had come out of that relationship. We learn a lot when we lose our first love. It hurts a lot and we don't know if we are going to make it, but then we realize if there was no pain in life, then we would just never know what loss means. We would laugh at funerals and never understand the idea of losing someone close to us. Pain helps us realize we are human and alive. Its funny.. Someone today at work had asked me how I was and I was like "I'm alright, not having a great day" and she said " Well think of it this way, you have your 5 senses, touch, feel, smell, hear and speech and some people never have all 5 of those." She was just saying that your alive and you always have something to be happy about. Lately I have missed having a man in my life.

Losing me...

This song fits how I feel at the certain moment. I'll follow you but I keep losing me.

"Losing me" by Diego


I don’t know who I am any more
My world starts and stops right outside your door
I’m feeling weak and I can sleep tonight


I never thought that I would ever feel this way
I’m hanging on to every word that you say
I’m bit and down I come around
One look in your eyes and I am saved


Whatever you want, I want
Whatever you feel, I feel
I’ll follow you I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


You’ve taken all control of everything I know
And I miss the days when I was happy on my own
When I could breathe, when I could dream
So break my heart and give me back my soul


Whatever you want I want
Whatever you feel I feel
‘cause I’ll follow you I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you but I keep losing


Wherever you go I go
Whatever you need I need
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


I can’t face it anymore
Just give and then you take out,
Break you hesitate don’t fake
You know it true


I don’t wanna be like this
I’m invisible
One kiss and I was gone
And now I feel so wrong


Whatever you want I want
Whatever you feel I feel
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you...


Wherever you go I go
Whatever you need I need
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


I’ll follow you, but I keep losing me, but I keep losing me...
But loving you is a sacrifice it ends up killing me...

How I feel...

"Candles" by Hey Monday


The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Could't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright


Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright



One day
You will wake up
With nothing but you’re sorries
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright

Making stupid mistakes..

I can't quite figure out if some people know that line between stupidity and down right idiocy. Some people never learn. You can tell them a million times that they are being stupid or making mistake after mistake, but it doesn't matter because they inevitably have to learn it themselves. They move to fast in a relationship and they wonder why 5 months down the line it didn't work out. They decide to make a stupid life decision and wonder why it blows up in their face. People need to learn from their mistakes. No one is perfect. but repeating the same behaviors over and over... Not so smart.

Is it wrong?

      Is it wrong to miss someone? Someone who doesnt seem to give you the time of day anymore? Someone who has moved on with life and seems to be too busy to hang out with you, to call you, to even just tell you they miss you? How do you know when its time to move on? How do you move on so that it stops hurting? Will it ever stop hurting? He found the girl for him, even though it was supposed to be me. Who am I kidding? It will never be me. I can't ever be a size 2. I'm not sure why I still like him. I don't think it is a obsession anymore, I think it has gone to the point of dependency. I can't seem to tell myself I can live without him because it makes me feel better thinking he needs me as much as he says he does.
     Tore moved back in the house and that hurts more then I can even explain. Why does she get to move back in while mom is gone and I can't. She is the ex gf in distress and I guess thats all I can say about that.
     I feel empty and betrayed. I feel like a part of me is missing and I want it back soo bad. I sit here with tears in my eyes trying to figure out why it hurts so bad? What hurts so bad? Is it the thought of losing him? Maybe the thought he doesnt need me as much as I thought. I feel like i've been abandoned. Just dropped like a bad habit, thrown out like a piece of garbage..
    I can't make him love me if he doesn't. He is going out and having the time of his life with Katie, and leaving me in the dust... Ugh.. I wish there was some way to make him understand. To switch it around, and show him how it feels on the other end.

How to fix yourself?

How do you fix yourself when you feel like your broken.. You spent so much time investing yourself into someone else, spending countless hours thinking of them or just spending time with them in general. Then what do u do when they disappear? You sit at home watching countless movies thinking to yourself maybe the memories you have with him will subside and the pain will lessen. Maybe he will figure out one day that he is madly in love with you because he had an epiphany. Then u wake up. How do you fix a heart that hurts? Time maybe? Maybe this particular question doesnt have an answer at the moment, just writing it down. *Sigh*