I care..

I don't know why after all this time I still seem to care about him and all his life activities. He meant so much to me at one point, I just can't let go of the fact that he is no longer mine. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just expect him to come back, but I can see that's not gonna happen. He walked away and doesn't care. He is out having a good old time with his new woman F.. I wish he would have at least been honest with me and told me he was with her instead of telling me that he loves me still and wants to be with me again. Ugh!

For the first time..

For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and whatever this pain is... It seems to be getting worse. It is right under my right breast and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. It started probably around I want to say Feb. It started once and a while, nothing big, hardly noticed it, unless I bent over once and a while and stood up and got the pain. Then about a month ago I got this constant pain for a full day. I felt like I bruised something. And then the last few days everytime I sneeze or cough. It hurts. I'm scared. I don't know what it is, and I'm frightened. I feel at the moment like I don't know who to talk to about it. I feel as though maybe I am being a baby, but I think it is something I need to tackle. I need to go to the doctor anyhow for a check up. I can't even remember the last time I went. I am just Scared...

Not right...

People are in the past for a reason... When someone blames you for everything little thing their fiancee does it gets really tiresome. I am sick and tired of getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in their relationship. I want to help K. just know the truth and I am sick and tired of being in the middle of everything. When you have to lie to your best friend so you can go on a beach trip..Thats when you know there is something wrong with the relationship. The problem is that when we started talking again I thought things would change, but they never did. Its a problem and at the moment, I don't give a shit. I don't care if he goes to jail, I don't care if he yells at me, cause Im DONE!

I wonder...

Do people ever really change? Do their bad habits go away and people can forgive them for past mistakes. I have been wondering the last few days about him. J.. The guy who broke my heart into a million pieces when he lied to my face about sleeping with someone else. Is it possible for him to ever change? Is it possible me and him still have a future down the line? Why do I miss him? I have so much going thought my mind at the same time. I miss him, I don't miss him. I love him, I don't love him. My heart and head are having so much conflict lately, I almost feel like I have whiplash from it. I meet another guy and all I can do it compare him to J. Why am I comparing him to someone who hurt me so deeply? And then, I find a guy who happens to be taken, but would be the perfect for me. Why do we even bother with love sometimes. It's funny. One of my good friends mike told me that he loves his gf with all his heart, but he thinks monogamy isn't real. I still can't wrap my mind around that sentence. Why can't monogamy be real? It is a thing between a man and a woman that obviously means a great deal. It shows that two people are together, committed to one another and with no one but each other. I think it is a real word and a real concept.

     As the days roll on, I realize that I am getting stronger. In a lot of more ways then 1. I am outgrowing things and people. I am starting to get back into acting and theater. The things I love the most. I am finally on my feet with my own decisions and likes and dislikes. No one to decide anything for me, and I have to admit it. I love it! I look back on the past and realize that my life wasn't always mine. I decided to do things because my boyfriends or best friends wanted to do them. I didn't necessarily want to go shooting for my birthday like 2 years ago, I didn't necessarily want to go to a bike night for my birthday this year. I would have been much happier just spending time with close friends and my man at the time. Seeing him for the first time in months, made my stomach churn. I missed his smell.. his look.. everything about him. After leaving him though, and walking away. I found myself feeling a bit of closure. I know the truth and that's all the matters. As he had once told me a long time ago. I just want the longing to be with someone to go away. I am sure as my life gets more hectic, men may be the last thing on my mind. lol.. but for right now, it seems to be something that plagues me. I get lonely at night. I want to cuddle with someone like I used to. I just want to feel the closeness again. I miss that... Well that's enough for tonight... Night all <3

A new beginning?

So I write a new beginning with this blog because for the first time in a while, I feel as though a new beginning is started... I had a horrible time tonight, but the night finally ended good. I yelled and screamed at W. tonight. I guess I didn't realize how bad I was hurt till the alcohol kicked in. I told him that I wanted to end the friendship which to a certain extent I did... but then he started to cry and tell me that he didn't want to lose me and all this shit.. and so we worked it out. I am glad because I do love him as a friend, but I just... idk.. it's complicated. Ugh,.. I'm tired.. bedtime!

Moving On...

How to begin this blog? How do I explain to the world how I feel? I'm happy at times with being single and not having to worry about everything. At other times, it hurts to breathe on my own and I want to be with him again. How do I explain to someone that I know me and him had a falling out, and he did horrible things, but why do I feel as though a part of me is hurting some days. As of today its been 3 months since me and him have been together. It feels so much longer then that and some days I am still in shock that I am even dealing with the pain of losing him. After all we went through... I thought me and him would always be together. Never in my wildest imagination could I imagine losing him. I figured I had finally found someone I was going to marry and be with forever.. and then the rumors started... and then I saw emails and all this about all these personal things I knew nothing about. I wasn't prepared to deal with something like that. I felt like he was the one for me. Little by little now I miss him a little less... It's been 3 months today and although it hurts, I know I will move on and find someone who will appreciate me for who I am and what I'm all about. I just find myself comparing J. to every guy I come into contact with. I am trying my hardest to just get through each day and now I feel like I walked 3 steps back instead of forwards. With will back in my life, I don't know how I feel about that. I am glad he is back in my life, but I feel like I don't make any progress hanging out with Will. I am 25 years old and I am sort of bored of just hanging out with him doing nothing. I want more with my time then just being bored. I wanna write, or maybe sing or do something exciting and fun. I find that bringing him back into the mix.. has made life just more drama infested. I don't wanna drama. I have had enough to last me for the rest of my life...Dealing with the pain of the J. situation.. trying to figure out who was telling the truth... That was enough for me.