Do people ever really change? Do their bad habits go away and people can forgive them for past mistakes. I have been wondering the last few days about him. J.. The guy who broke my heart into a million pieces when he lied to my face about sleeping with someone else. Is it possible for him to ever change? Is it possible me and him still have a future down the line? Why do I miss him? I have so much going thought my mind at the same time. I miss him, I don't miss him. I love him, I don't love him. My heart and head are having so much conflict lately, I almost feel like I have whiplash from it. I meet another guy and all I can do it compare him to J. Why am I comparing him to someone who hurt me so deeply? And then, I find a guy who happens to be taken, but would be the perfect for me. Why do we even bother with love sometimes. It's funny. One of my good friends mike told me that he loves his gf with all his heart, but he thinks monogamy isn't real. I still can't wrap my mind around that sentence. Why can't monogamy be real? It is a thing between a man and a woman that obviously means a great deal. It shows that two people are together, committed to one another and with no one but each other. I think it is a real word and a real concept.
As the days roll on, I realize that I am getting stronger. In a lot of more ways then 1. I am outgrowing things and people. I am starting to get back into acting and theater. The things I love the most. I am finally on my feet with my own decisions and likes and dislikes. No one to decide anything for me, and I have to admit it. I love it! I look back on the past and realize that my life wasn't always mine. I decided to do things because my boyfriends or best friends wanted to do them. I didn't necessarily want to go shooting for my birthday like 2 years ago, I didn't necessarily want to go to a bike night for my birthday this year. I would have been much happier just spending time with close friends and my man at the time. Seeing him for the first time in months, made my stomach churn. I missed his smell.. his look.. everything about him. After leaving him though, and walking away. I found myself feeling a bit of closure. I know the truth and that's all the matters. As he had once told me a long time ago. I just want the longing to be with someone to go away. I am sure as my life gets more hectic, men may be the last thing on my mind. lol.. but for right now, it seems to be something that plagues me. I get lonely at night. I want to cuddle with someone like I used to. I just want to feel the closeness again. I miss that... Well that's enough for tonight... Night all <3
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