Take me the way I am...

I was sitting here thinking to myself about my first love, D.. How simple life was back then. How much I enjoyed the small little things in the relationship and how much I wished it would never end. It reminded me of K and W. The devotion they both have with each other and how they interact. They can't be without one another for minutes at a time, and crave seeing the other one all the time. It was the same with me and D. I would miss him all the time and he was all I could think about all the time. When we would get into fights I couldn't seem to do anything. We hardly ever fought until it came to his parents who after they found an alarming note in his dresser drawer, no longer liked me. It made life a lot harder, having to sneak around and all that to see him, but we were determined. D loved me for me. He never tried to change me or tell me who to hang out with. I miss him some days. I miss the purity of the relationship. I miss those days where sex wasn't the thing that bonded you to a relationship. You just wanted to see each other, with no sexual bonds, I mean sure the urges were still there, but you resisted them. I wish I had lost my V card to D. I wish a lot of things had come out of that relationship. We learn a lot when we lose our first love. It hurts a lot and we don't know if we are going to make it, but then we realize if there was no pain in life, then we would just never know what loss means. We would laugh at funerals and never understand the idea of losing someone close to us. Pain helps us realize we are human and alive. Its funny.. Someone today at work had asked me how I was and I was like "I'm alright, not having a great day" and she said " Well think of it this way, you have your 5 senses, touch, feel, smell, hear and speech and some people never have all 5 of those." She was just saying that your alive and you always have something to be happy about. Lately I have missed having a man in my life.

Losing me...

This song fits how I feel at the certain moment. I'll follow you but I keep losing me.

"Losing me" by Diego


I don’t know who I am any more
My world starts and stops right outside your door
I’m feeling weak and I can sleep tonight


I never thought that I would ever feel this way
I’m hanging on to every word that you say
I’m bit and down I come around
One look in your eyes and I am saved


Whatever you want, I want
Whatever you feel, I feel
I’ll follow you I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


You’ve taken all control of everything I know
And I miss the days when I was happy on my own
When I could breathe, when I could dream
So break my heart and give me back my soul


Whatever you want I want
Whatever you feel I feel
‘cause I’ll follow you I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you but I keep losing


Wherever you go I go
Whatever you need I need
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


I can’t face it anymore
Just give and then you take out,
Break you hesitate don’t fake
You know it true


I don’t wanna be like this
I’m invisible
One kiss and I was gone
And now I feel so wrong


Whatever you want I want
Whatever you feel I feel
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you...


Wherever you go I go
Whatever you need I need
I’ll follow you, you know I do
I’ll follow you but I keep losing me


I’ll follow you, but I keep losing me, but I keep losing me...
But loving you is a sacrifice it ends up killing me...

How I feel...

"Candles" by Hey Monday


The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Could't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright


Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright



One day
You will wake up
With nothing but you’re sorries
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me


Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright

Making stupid mistakes..

I can't quite figure out if some people know that line between stupidity and down right idiocy. Some people never learn. You can tell them a million times that they are being stupid or making mistake after mistake, but it doesn't matter because they inevitably have to learn it themselves. They move to fast in a relationship and they wonder why 5 months down the line it didn't work out. They decide to make a stupid life decision and wonder why it blows up in their face. People need to learn from their mistakes. No one is perfect. but repeating the same behaviors over and over... Not so smart.

Is it wrong?

      Is it wrong to miss someone? Someone who doesnt seem to give you the time of day anymore? Someone who has moved on with life and seems to be too busy to hang out with you, to call you, to even just tell you they miss you? How do you know when its time to move on? How do you move on so that it stops hurting? Will it ever stop hurting? He found the girl for him, even though it was supposed to be me. Who am I kidding? It will never be me. I can't ever be a size 2. I'm not sure why I still like him. I don't think it is a obsession anymore, I think it has gone to the point of dependency. I can't seem to tell myself I can live without him because it makes me feel better thinking he needs me as much as he says he does.
     Tore moved back in the house and that hurts more then I can even explain. Why does she get to move back in while mom is gone and I can't. She is the ex gf in distress and I guess thats all I can say about that.
     I feel empty and betrayed. I feel like a part of me is missing and I want it back soo bad. I sit here with tears in my eyes trying to figure out why it hurts so bad? What hurts so bad? Is it the thought of losing him? Maybe the thought he doesnt need me as much as I thought. I feel like i've been abandoned. Just dropped like a bad habit, thrown out like a piece of garbage..
    I can't make him love me if he doesn't. He is going out and having the time of his life with Katie, and leaving me in the dust... Ugh.. I wish there was some way to make him understand. To switch it around, and show him how it feels on the other end.