Jeromiah :)

Gosh, I'm not sure I even know where to start. At first I was very cautious about this one. This is in fact the one that came after the one who broke my heart. J.B. His whole family consists of 11 brothers and sisters. 6 steps, and 5 blood related. He is the closest to his sister who is blood related and he is originally from Washington. He has been in the Marines for 1 year so far and I will admit at first the whole Marine thing through me off. I have a hard time getting involved with them since they are almost always known as players. He told me he was different, but it took me about a month to see that was true. We started just texting, and then texting turned into conversations lasting till 3 or 4am. Now we have recently gone to yahoo messenger video chatting.. We both enjoy that since we get to see each other and talk. He has the most amazing smile and he makes me smile and laugh. We are supposed to meet for the first time this coming weekend. I am not worried because I have seen him on yahoo messenger, I have talked to him for countless hours and we both feel that the emotional and mental attributes are astronomical. We are both on the same level, emotionally and mentally. We both have the same interests and he even loves "Phantom of the Opera" What marine do you know that likes that? He loves the fact that I am so ambitious about everything and one thing that makes him different is he doesn't brag about being a marine. He tells people when they ask what he does, that he works in construction and is the guy who is out on the roads with those surveying tools doing the road survey. I find it charming that he always is talking about me and him cuddling up to go to bed and how amazing we are together. He even asked if he could put me on his facebook as like "In a relationship" I instantly thought... oh my goodness, he is being serious. My ex never wanted to do anything of the sort with me. He put me up and then weeks later told me some bullshit story of why he had to take it down. Jeromiah is also taller.. much taller. He is 6'1. Which to me is a perfect height. I can wear heels without fear of being taller then he is. There is something about the height thing that turns a girl on. When a guy is always taller then you are, I guess you feel more.. protected, maybe less in control and feel like your dating a real man. lol..Anyhow.. He is constantly writing on my facebook which I love and even his friends have added me on facebook and are leaving comments on my page as well. I am having high hopes for this one. It might be hard because I won't get to see him as much, but on the on the hand, that will give me a chance for time with myself. To do school and stay on top of that and to make sure that I stay me and no one else. I am not going to make that mistake twice. I learned my lesson and have finally moved on to bigger and better things, but I will tell you. It wasn't easy. . 

The Closure...

I finally for the first time in a long time,I  got the closure with J. After hearing him call me a cunt and tell me that he thought about _____ while we would have sex and that he used me for my house the entire 6 months that we were together. I don't believe it. I don't think someone who would bring their gf home to meet his entire family would be the type of person that J. ended up being. He was the one thing I thought I had found that was right, but I was totally wrong. Until hearing him say those words to me, I had always thought me and him would make it work down the line. I learned that sometimes some men are just mean, horrible people. I thought will was a horrible person at one point, but at least he would cheat on me in front of me and wasn't really as hurtful with my feelings. Maybe emotionally he wasn't the best, but still my last ex before him... we will call him W. had never made me feel that horrible. J is a prick to the highest way to explain it, he's an asshole who doesn't deserve to ever be happy until he gets hurt just as bad as he has hurt other people. I have cut off all ties to him, all txt messages, all phone numbers of his and F. are blocked and I don't ever really want to speak to him ever again. I hope that someday he changes his ways, but I have a feeling he never will. He will always be a womanizer. He will always have more then one woman in his life. He has to be big man on campus all the time. It is always about him. And it always will be. Thank god I don't have to deal with that anymore! :)

Been thinking...

     So my dream last night consisted of me opening my own day care center. I have always wanted to open my own daycare center and I guess subconsciously I was realizing it. The other part of the dream was that I was having sex in my office with a man I hardly knew, but just having lots and lots of sex... Sort of strange in a way... In all places to have sex would be in a day care center? I guess the sex part is because for the last 3 weeks I have been unable to get off as we call it because of the anti-depression pills I have been taking... Thanks to not taking them anymore... My dreams have been extravagant and I seem to feel fine.

     I'm not depressed on a daily basis like I used to be, and I am actually going on a date tomorrow night... well actually technically tonight since it's 5am. I am excited but not hoping for much. If the date turns out great, then good.. If not, on to the next one. That's the thing that has changed about me. Yeah I want to find the guy for me, but not one that lies and cheats and don't talk to me. It might take another 50 guys for me to find him, but I will enjoy the ride while I get there.

     I just watched 2 really good movies.. I saw "Black Swan" with Natalie Portman which was amazing and that word doesn't even describe it the way it should. The movie was about an inner conflict that rages out against all odds. Everyone thinks she is just tripping out on drugs and the movie was pointless. I on the other hand found it to be an invigorating amazing movie. There I go with that word again. haha. Those of us who have ever auditioned for a part and gotten it, understand the pressure of what it's like. She had a Jekyll and a Hyde she could not get away from. Her hyde eventually won because she dies at the end, but she felt she was perfect at the end. The inner struggle she felt was let free and she was able to be the person she wanted to be. As a performer, it's not easy to struggle with yourself. It's not easy to have someone else outdo you for the role you wanted, and be told your not good enough. Drugs don't help anything, but they certainly can calm you down at times. The inner struggle was there all along, but she suppressed it because she didn't want to deal with it. There is nothing wrong with having a dark side. The movie was to the extreme of the dark side yes, but not out of the realm of possibility. It's a zoo out there for performers. We don't have it easy.

     The second movie I saw was also amazing. I finally watched Valentines Day that Jesse gave to me. I wasn't able to watch it when he gave it to me for my birthday because just the idea of a movie that said valentines day on it, made me sick to my stomach. 5 months later, I finally decided to watch it and I am glad I waited. The movie was all about love. Teenage love, Growing old love, Mother missing her son love, Homosexual love, you name it, it was in there. I liked the idea of the movie. It showed that no matter what age you are, love is imperfect.

I couldn't do it..

I spent the last 4 weeks watching the sex in the city series. Watching over and over how all 4 girls go from relationship to relationship. They all eventually get their happy ending, but I couldn't watch the end of the Sex and the City movie. I didn't want it to end. Carrie had just made herself a brand new self and apartment and got out of her slump from being devastated and then Bam she see's him and it goes all out the window. Is that how I am with J.? It has taken me forever to get over it. to get over him. And even now as I write this particular blog, I keep wondering to myself if this is it? Will J. come back 6 months from now and realize the mistake he made? Will I take him back at that point. As I went through who the 4 girls I epically love, I thought to myself, was any of their relationships like J? Miranda had Steve cheat on her, but he never gave up on being with her and trying over and over to get her back... Not J... Charlotte found the perfect husband who did no wrong and would never cheat on her... Not J... Samantha found a hott guy and then decided she didn't want to be in a relationship.. Not me and J and finally.. Carrie. She had Mr. Big, through all the crap and turmoil he put her through he kept trying to apologize to her, and get her to understand he was sorry.. Also not Jim. So can I ever really forgive J? Steve cheated, but they were already married and it least he admitted to it. J never admitted to me that he cheated. He never apologized for being such an asshole at my feelings or never being home. He didn't do anything extra for the relationship. No cards for important holidays, unless I begged him for one.. No jewelry for Christmas, instead a motorcycle jacket that is still hanging in my closet, mostly unused. He faked compassion and love in the beginning but after all that I went through, I can finally point out his flaws. I can finally stop taking the depression pills that don't really do anything for me anymore. Its going to be 5 months on friday that me and him have been apart, and to think we were only together for 6 months.


     The destruction that he left behind is slowly but surely getting back to normal. I no longer think about him 24/7 and I can go out with girfriends and enjoy myself, laughing and having fun. Sure I have moments where I miss him, but then I think back to before, when my expectations of a man were so much different. I yet again let myself pamper a man. I let my guard down and gave him a part of me that when he left, he took it with him. He took a part of my soul with him. A part that I can never get back. I had to rebuild what he left behind. When did women get to the point where a man ran our lives? Why can't we all be independent women anymore and not live our lives as if a man is the most important part. All the women in sex and the City were successful. They had money and wore $400 shoes. In this economy that is hard to come by, but I still think to myself. I want to be successful like that and have the commitment problem that Carrie had because she had never let a man control her life. Even Samantha didn't let a man control her life. They weren't always happy but in the end they stuck by each other to get through it.

     Everytime we go through a break-up, we learn something. How much can our hearts hold? If I think back to all my break-ups, there were only a few that were the most heartbreaking. Of course I am gonna say the "First love" D.. There is no easy way to get out of that situation. Everyone goes through it at one point. You feel like you will never love again and then you do. Up until this year, that breakup was the hardest I had ever gone through, until J. J. broke me in more ways then I care to talk about. He left me cynical of love which to some of my friends they liked it. It wasn't me but for a good long while, cynical and angry were the only emotions I could feel. I had done a lot of the crying while we were together. Sure I cried after we broke up, but I think by the time he left I just knew I was broken. I was sick and tired of worrying about him and his feelings, what about mine?

    

I had a thought..

So the other night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I went to a Ruff Ryder Bike night in Palm Springs and bumped into J and his new gf F.. As soon as J. saw me he rushed over to give me a hug. When F. came over to give me a hug I ended up socking her in the face and throwing her to the ground and beating the hell out of her. I wouldnt stop hitting her until the Ruff Ryders had to pull me off of her. As they pulled me off, I hocked a lugy on her and called her every name in the book. As I finally calmed down and walked away I looked back to find J. just staring at me. He then ran up to me pulled me in his arms and said "Please be mine again" and then BAM I woke up. This particular dream threw me off in the line of things. I wasn't expecting the amount of rage that was washing through me at the moment. It brought me to thinking. Does Anger and Rage outweigh sadness?

Writing..

I'm told to write every chance I get. So here I am writing on a blank blog and I have nothing to say. Maybe if I hadnt read the note that F. left on J's page I would have a lot to say. Maybe I just want my happily ever after already... I don't feel like life is going anywhere. I got a b in math... be excited about that considering I have never gotten a B in my life in Math. I am starting school in a month and I am super excited to start a new chapter in life. I sit here unable to write about life because I am still so alone in the battle. I have friends sure, they are really good friends, but what happens with my best friend leaves for college in Sept and my other best friend moves to Oceanside. Who will I have to hang out with? Who will comfort me at all moments of the night when I need it the most? I think I have just gotten to the moment of lonely. The moment of lonely. A weird word for someone who never seems to be alone. I try everyday to just stay happy and joyful, but I don't have much motivation at this moment. I know I wasn't meant to mope around and look like an idiot. I know I am not supposed to continue pining for someone who has already moved on. I just wish life was a little easier at the moment. Sure, I'm taking anti-depressant pills.. and they seem to be helping my mood... But what about me in general. I find myself staring at my phone wanting it to ring from some guy I hardly know. I want to talk to him, I guess I want to be needed again. I wish I had someone to need me, the way I have in the past. I am looking forward to my date this weekend with what seems like an awesome guy. Gosh I guess writing out how you feel is a good thing. Certainly made me feel better! :) Nite all <3

I care..

I don't know why after all this time I still seem to care about him and all his life activities. He meant so much to me at one point, I just can't let go of the fact that he is no longer mine. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just expect him to come back, but I can see that's not gonna happen. He walked away and doesn't care. He is out having a good old time with his new woman F.. I wish he would have at least been honest with me and told me he was with her instead of telling me that he loves me still and wants to be with me again. Ugh!

For the first time..

For the first time in my life, I'm scared. I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and whatever this pain is... It seems to be getting worse. It is right under my right breast and I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. It started probably around I want to say Feb. It started once and a while, nothing big, hardly noticed it, unless I bent over once and a while and stood up and got the pain. Then about a month ago I got this constant pain for a full day. I felt like I bruised something. And then the last few days everytime I sneeze or cough. It hurts. I'm scared. I don't know what it is, and I'm frightened. I feel at the moment like I don't know who to talk to about it. I feel as though maybe I am being a baby, but I think it is something I need to tackle. I need to go to the doctor anyhow for a check up. I can't even remember the last time I went. I am just Scared...

Not right...

People are in the past for a reason... When someone blames you for everything little thing their fiancee does it gets really tiresome. I am sick and tired of getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in their relationship. I want to help K. just know the truth and I am sick and tired of being in the middle of everything. When you have to lie to your best friend so you can go on a beach trip..Thats when you know there is something wrong with the relationship. The problem is that when we started talking again I thought things would change, but they never did. Its a problem and at the moment, I don't give a shit. I don't care if he goes to jail, I don't care if he yells at me, cause Im DONE!

I wonder...

Do people ever really change? Do their bad habits go away and people can forgive them for past mistakes. I have been wondering the last few days about him. J.. The guy who broke my heart into a million pieces when he lied to my face about sleeping with someone else. Is it possible for him to ever change? Is it possible me and him still have a future down the line? Why do I miss him? I have so much going thought my mind at the same time. I miss him, I don't miss him. I love him, I don't love him. My heart and head are having so much conflict lately, I almost feel like I have whiplash from it. I meet another guy and all I can do it compare him to J. Why am I comparing him to someone who hurt me so deeply? And then, I find a guy who happens to be taken, but would be the perfect for me. Why do we even bother with love sometimes. It's funny. One of my good friends mike told me that he loves his gf with all his heart, but he thinks monogamy isn't real. I still can't wrap my mind around that sentence. Why can't monogamy be real? It is a thing between a man and a woman that obviously means a great deal. It shows that two people are together, committed to one another and with no one but each other. I think it is a real word and a real concept.

     As the days roll on, I realize that I am getting stronger. In a lot of more ways then 1. I am outgrowing things and people. I am starting to get back into acting and theater. The things I love the most. I am finally on my feet with my own decisions and likes and dislikes. No one to decide anything for me, and I have to admit it. I love it! I look back on the past and realize that my life wasn't always mine. I decided to do things because my boyfriends or best friends wanted to do them. I didn't necessarily want to go shooting for my birthday like 2 years ago, I didn't necessarily want to go to a bike night for my birthday this year. I would have been much happier just spending time with close friends and my man at the time. Seeing him for the first time in months, made my stomach churn. I missed his smell.. his look.. everything about him. After leaving him though, and walking away. I found myself feeling a bit of closure. I know the truth and that's all the matters. As he had once told me a long time ago. I just want the longing to be with someone to go away. I am sure as my life gets more hectic, men may be the last thing on my mind. lol.. but for right now, it seems to be something that plagues me. I get lonely at night. I want to cuddle with someone like I used to. I just want to feel the closeness again. I miss that... Well that's enough for tonight... Night all <3

A new beginning?

So I write a new beginning with this blog because for the first time in a while, I feel as though a new beginning is started... I had a horrible time tonight, but the night finally ended good. I yelled and screamed at W. tonight. I guess I didn't realize how bad I was hurt till the alcohol kicked in. I told him that I wanted to end the friendship which to a certain extent I did... but then he started to cry and tell me that he didn't want to lose me and all this shit.. and so we worked it out. I am glad because I do love him as a friend, but I just... idk.. it's complicated. Ugh,.. I'm tired.. bedtime!

Moving On...

How to begin this blog? How do I explain to the world how I feel? I'm happy at times with being single and not having to worry about everything. At other times, it hurts to breathe on my own and I want to be with him again. How do I explain to someone that I know me and him had a falling out, and he did horrible things, but why do I feel as though a part of me is hurting some days. As of today its been 3 months since me and him have been together. It feels so much longer then that and some days I am still in shock that I am even dealing with the pain of losing him. After all we went through... I thought me and him would always be together. Never in my wildest imagination could I imagine losing him. I figured I had finally found someone I was going to marry and be with forever.. and then the rumors started... and then I saw emails and all this about all these personal things I knew nothing about. I wasn't prepared to deal with something like that. I felt like he was the one for me. Little by little now I miss him a little less... It's been 3 months today and although it hurts, I know I will move on and find someone who will appreciate me for who I am and what I'm all about. I just find myself comparing J. to every guy I come into contact with. I am trying my hardest to just get through each day and now I feel like I walked 3 steps back instead of forwards. With will back in my life, I don't know how I feel about that. I am glad he is back in my life, but I feel like I don't make any progress hanging out with Will. I am 25 years old and I am sort of bored of just hanging out with him doing nothing. I want more with my time then just being bored. I wanna write, or maybe sing or do something exciting and fun. I find that bringing him back into the mix.. has made life just more drama infested. I don't wanna drama. I have had enough to last me for the rest of my life...Dealing with the pain of the J. situation.. trying to figure out who was telling the truth... That was enough for me.

A parting letter...

Dear J,

I keep expecting to hear the garage door open and the motorcycle rev it’s way into my heart the way it used to. Thinking in my head that one moment from now your going to open the door to our room, set your helmet on the dresser and come and give me that look you used to give me. The kiss that used to fill my heart with enough joy I could hardly breathe some days. I woke up sometimes thinking it was all a dream and I had to stare at you to realize you were actually there. You were my Prince, my everything, and then one day that all changed. You changed. I saw your true colors finally show. You no longer wanted to cuddle on the bed and talk for hours like we used to. You wanted to play your stupid video games and tell me that you hated cuddling at the moment I needed it the most. If the rumor that you slept with another woman, or girl as the case may have been was true, you wouldn’t have run from me. You would have tried everything in your power to save your girlfriend from any additional pain she may have been going through. The part I can’t and never will forgive you for is not the fact that you cheated. It’s the fact that you disregarded the way I felt about the situation. You never wanted to talk about it. Not once in the entire month that I knew about this rumor, did you ever want to take me out on the town and show me a good time. Never once did you ask me how I was because the whole time it was all about you. You had no disregard for my feelings at all. You were a selfish prick that entire month and I found myself fed up by the time I was packing your things into garbage bags. I was not born yesterday. I am not an idiot. The fact that you feel the need to lie to me about everything was upsetting. You could have told me that you were going to F's to help her that night with something, instead of lying about the fight her and K weren’t having. You went over there, because you could get your rocks off. You could go fuck the infatuation that you had been drooling over for the last month. She was finally going to tell you the good news. That her husband was moving out and that you could move in. Then conveniently that next morning you decided to text me to tell me that you needed a break. You didn’t need a break, you just needed a place to go. Isn’t that why you cheated on me? You were bored of me but stayed with me because you had no where else to go? I told you in the beginning to never do that to me. To never stay here because it’s convenient for you. Instead of breaking it off when you started to have feelings for someone else, you made it worse by staying here. You made me believe that what we had could overcome anything that came about. You promised me you would always be around, yet here I am writing this letter to you, unable to really understand what went wrong. You stopped talking, stopped communicating, instead you just went and slept with someone else. The amount of pain and anguish that you put me through I am unable to put into words at the moment. It’s indescribable. But there is another emotion that I wasn’t expecting to feel in all this and that is anger. I am so unbelievably angry at not only you but myself. How could I have been so stupid to not have caught the signs? And then I think maybe you picked me for a certain reason. You saw the way I would take care of W and how much I cared way back when and maybe you took that to your advantage, cause for the life of me I can’t understand why you would do this to me? I was amazed to find conversations on my computer with other women saying things like “I can’t wait to dream of you tonight” three days after my birthday. Or email’s reading something like “I am 5’10, 7in cut, semi bi, would love to have a playmate. Oh and by the way I am in the Byberry area”. Yeah, I found that on my computer too. Not when you wrote it but months later as I was going through my computer. You wrote that email the day after we got to Philadelphia. What possessed you to want something else? Was it the thrill of being home? Or the thrill of being able to know you’re a hot guy who could do better then me. I thought to myself for a long while that maybe it was good for us to take a “break” as you call it. A week later after going on your face book and reading “snuggling on the couch with my hunny watching Tom and Jerry” was when it hit me. You were too much of a coward to say it was over because you didn’t want to hurt me. Well fuck that. Too late for no pain. I’m in pain and I’m in anger mode. Everyday is a different emotion and I am slowly getting through it. I know deep down somewhere that I was more then just a conquest for you. I was more then just some girl you lived with and slept with. What we had was real and I guarantee you will never find another girl like me. A person who will take care of you the way I did. Who will make you breakfast even thought she isn’t the greatest cook, or make you a sandwich to take to work because all she wants is for you to be happy. Little did she know that when you got to work there was a woman waiting for you and touching you every chance she got.  You’re the first guy I let my guard down to, to fully let myself get involved with because I thought that we were something real. You told me one day “I will never leave you, I’m here to stay.” I know now, that it isn’t true. It’s been over a month since the last time I had contact with you and been almost 2 months since we last saw each other. I asked you three weeks after we broke up, to meet me someplace, I had something to talk to you about. You told me you had to go to the hospital for some sort of infection. I said ok  I hope you get better, I will talk to you later and I respected the fact that you didn’t have time at the moment. Did you text me later that week and say ok lets have coffee? No, you ignored the request all together. You didn’t want to have the uncomfortable feeling of knowing what was going to come out of my mouth. I was going to tell you that no matter what you say to my face and no matter however many lies you want to tell me. I know that you slept with F. I know because I caught Chlamydia. Since I got it and K her husband had it, there is only one logical explanation. You slept with her. Which also brings me to my other conclusion. If you did in fact get it from her and gave it to me, the last time me and you had unprotected sex was around Valentines Day, so that would mean you would have caught it before then in order to have given it to me. Wow, that makes me feel real good. Who knows… maybe you got it from T. Since everyone seems to love to tell me that you slept with her. How you slept with her when me and her were still really good friends.. Which would mean you must have slept with her right around the same time you slept with F.. How do you think it makes me feel to know the last time I saw you in person, the last words you said to me was “I love you” Yeah, how much do you love me? Because I don’t feel it right now. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that my perfect boyfriend slept with another woman then lied to me about it to my face when I confronted him many times. You told me I was crazy and hallucinating, well I didn’t hallucinate getting an STD and since you’re the only one I slept with for the entire time we were together, then the only other explanation is that you were unfaithful and eventually left because you couldn’t deal with the guilt. You also couldn’t break up with me the way you should have. A “break” means the two people get away from each other for a while and then try to rekindle what they had. They take a break, maybe take a bag or two and then come back in a month or so. You on the other hand took everything, including your xbox and any other prized possessions along with all your pictures off the computer. Going on a break if that’s what you truly wanted does not give you the right to go move in with another woman who by the way is just as much at fault here as you are. You not only lost a great thing on your end, but you ruined a family. You broke apart a man and a woman who took a vow to be together because you wanted to get your rocks off. You have confused the hell out of that little girl G. who is not going to know how to be in a relationship when she gets older. She is going to think this is how it works. You told me yourself that F. reminded me a lot of you. Well there, you got your wish, you got her. So are you happy with her? Does she treat you half as well as I treated you? Cause to be honest she is nothing like me. I would never break a vow I took because of some lust for another man. I would be honest with my husband but not go behind his back and fuck another guy, especially one who had a girlfriend. Maybe you two deserve each other. Maybe she can make you happy with her extravagant positions in bed and her unique experience to fuck over every girl she has ever met. Oh and don’t forget her awesome ability to be a cold hearted bitch 24/7. I don’t know why any man would find that attractive, although I can’t see why any man would cheat on someone he loves. It’s not what you look like on the outside, it’s who you are on the inside. You may never understand that concept, but I hope someday you do. Anyway I am writing this letter for closure. I am closing this chapter in my life and I needed to tell you that. You can go on in life knowing that you hurt me unlike anyone ever has, and because of it I realize I deserve better. I don’t deserve to be cheated on or treated like a baby because I have emotion on my sleeve. I loved you with everything I had, and will probably always love you, but I can’t be with a man who has no respect for another person’s feelings. I can’t sit around and wait for you to change. You told me yourself you never will. So why wait for rain in a desert? I hope that you find whatever happiness is for you. I hope that you live life to the fullest. Isn’t that what life is all about to you? Lastly I hope the one thing that changes in you is the next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone, spare her the heartache if you lust for another and break up with her. I would hate to have someone go through what you put me through.This is my final goodbye.

Love always
Carene Riale
PS: Any last possessions that you did have here, are gone. Burned to a crisp and never to be seen again. Kinda like that Adele song...

Between the lines...

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way

'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong, be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails

Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
That I could have sworn I'd heard him say it
Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-bareilles-lyrics/between-the-lines-lyrics.html ]
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
Stand in the center of it all

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready when he meant let go

Leave unsaid, unspoken
Eyes wide shut, unopened
You and me always be
You and me always between the lines
Between the lines, between the lines

Never..

Anger rages through me
It’s tarring me apart
How could you do this
How could you break my heart?

With no consequences
You went on your merry way
To other things and ways of life
That only falanderers play

It rises up inside me
The anger that I feel
Because you made me this way
How am I supposted to feel?

How can I trust another
You fucked me up inside
I feel bad for the man
Who has to sometime get inside

All I wanted was your love
And affection is all I ask
How could I not have known
You were being such an ass

It easier to not feel pain
Cause anger is all I feel
I can’t believe I fell for your lies
Were you never ever real?

Where to go from here
Well I can move on you see
Because deep inside I know now
You were never good enough for me

Pain

You hurt me in a way I can’t talk about
Why did you do that, couldn’t we have talked it out?
What makes you think you’re the exception to the rule
When all along you just made me feel like a fool.

I cried tears of pain and anger you see
I don’t think you shed one tear for me
Why did you do it
Why don’t you care?
I feel so lost, and in a realm of despair.

Its harder to let you go, when everyone is pushing me to
I gotta let you go the way I really want to
To forget the fact you exist, is a lot harder then it seems
I need to just erase the horrible parts of the scenes

Where are you now?
Maybe living with her, hmm.. I wonder
Maybe it’s right to concure
I was the one who got hurt in the end
You didn’t even shed a tear, why couldn’t you then?

Its hard to think of all the good times with you
When they always lead up the bad ones too
I can let you go and move on you see
But you certainly made my heart not wanna see
All the bad that you posess and I can’t believe I was impressed

You told me when we met them, that she reminded you of me
I should have taken as a sign, oh shit why me?
You spent a lot of nights there, kinda strange in a way
To spend so much time with a couple who eventually broke away

You and her became close, you said she’s a sis to me
I think sending naughty pictures, would be incest by me
When you came to pick up your things,
She sat in the front seat,
Why would u bring her? Wouldn’t you wanna be discreet?

Something about you changed, and I really don’t know what
Maybe you were bored of me and u and felt like we were in a rut
You should have said something, that’s what couples need to do
Communication is key, but you never wanted to.

She seemed exciting to you, maybe a little adventurous as well
You walked right into the trap of your own living hell
I got a call from her husband to tell me what was up
When I confronted you, you denied it, afraid to get caught up


I'm not stupid, I am smarter then you think
I know how to read the signs now
I wont ever make that blink
Of not seeing whats in front of me,
A cheater non the less, you can’t expect things to go
The way you want more or less

I hear rumors your living with her now
Wow you moved so quick
I should have known you would do this
Remember me and you how quick?

You told people we had been over for quite a bit of time
Yet when I was told you said that,
It was the day after that it chimed
You heart wasn’t in it, you weren’t happy anymore,
So instead of talking it out,
You decided to sleep with a whore.

I thought you were the one for me
Forever me and you
I think it’s time you know
I’m getting over you.

Rumors..

They can break you or make you stronger
They can break your heart and make you think longer
They can make you want to go out and shout to the world
All the pain and the hurt it is causing you, putting you in a swirl.

The truth, the lies, its all the same
Cause at the end of the day, you just feel ashamed
Maybe because you actually thought they were true
Or maybe because the knot in your stomach makes you want to

I can't remember the last time I felt the way I do
In a rut, in a bind, with my brain in a batter of glue
What makes me think this way,
As if I have something to worry about?

Why am I freaking out?
As if I dont know what he is all about
He would never do that to me
ever in his life you see.
So why am I doubting him all of a sudden?
Whats wrong with the picture and me?

As I sit here at my computer trying to type what I feel
I can't help but think that this could be real
What if I am wrong, and he is out with her?
What if I'm the fool and didn't catch the signs to concure

There is a bit of confusion in my mind right now,
1 hour turns into 4 and I feel like a clown
Sitting here waiting for him to come home,
not sure what to think, who to call or where to go

Just sitting and thinking is the worst, people may disagree
cause you sit here and your mind wanders of the worst possibilities,
what if you say to yourself your overreacting, and he is just fine,
then the other demon comes in and shakes it out of your mind


Tick tock Tick tock goes the clock that never seems to stop
Why can't I fall asleep and let these demons give up
I close my eyes trying to fall asleep and
The next thing I know I am waking with a blink

I look next to me and to my dismay
I found no body to cuddle with today
I guess the demons get their way
for yet I go without him for another day

If I were a boy...

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

Knot in my stomach..

Do you ever get a knot in your stomach or feel your heart rate go up for no apparent reason? You seem irritated or upset about something, but you have no emotion or recollection of being upset or anything. J's phone either isn't working or he is ignoring me. I am going to assume either he is asleep because he is in a car and he is really tired from today. I hate how sometimes he doesn't get my txts. It drives me nuts. He gets everyone else's but mine. I trust him, but little things like him not answering me when he is with K and F, kinda upsets me. I know I have no reason to not believe that he isn't where he says he is, it just upsets me when I don't hear from him. I am not trying to make it so that he has a leash on him. He is a human being.. I don't want him to feel suffocated. To be honest writing this is making me feel better. I love him and nothing will ever change that. My birthday is this week and i am super excited about tomorrow! :) I dont really know what's going on with my birthday day, I am not going to assume I am going to be alone, I really dont think that J would do that to me. He knows my birthday is important to me.

Trust

It's a really hard word to explain. TRUST. You have to have trust in the person your with or else there is no relationship. You have to trust that you are the only one they wanna be with. You have to trust that they are where they say they are. TRUST. Such a hard word to explain, yet everyone goes through an issue with it at some point. Can I trust my neighbor not to break into my house and steal everything? Can I trust my best friend not to tell anyone a secret? TRUST. An important word with so many different meanings, but no real meaning to it. You gotta take the word trust and make it what you want it to mean.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones...

Anyone who ever came up with the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" was full of shit. When someone we love tells us that we are a horrible person, that its over and they never want to hear from us again, then obviously words can hurt. No one is perfect, but one thing is for sure. Words can hurt and they do. Especially when they are written in a way the directly violates us as a person. When someone you don't get along with writes a nasty blog about you and all that they seem to know about you and post it on their blog for the entire world to see, its going to affect you. You may just shrug it off, you may just be like whatever, but there is not a doubt in my mind that you will actually get your feelings hurt. You sit there and analyze it. Anything they say may in fact hit home a little but most of the things they wrote have no truth to them whatsoever. So why do people seem to love to bag on one another? Maybe it is because they can't seem to find anything else more important to do. They try to make themselves feel better by bringing down another person. Normally when you talk shit about someone the person who seems to look the worst is the writer themselves. They don't understand that taking the time and effort to blog horrible things about someone, they are just justifying that they themselves are insecure and don't know who they are. Blogging to yourself is one thing, but blogging to something that is posted on the internet for the world to read and have it never be erased, that is a whole other thing. When you see a friend in danger, you say something. You tell the friend that they are in danger of something they themselves have not yet gotten to comprehend. You have been down that road, you know where it is going to lead, but still they don't listen. So you back off and tell yourself that they will learn it on their own. Then one day out of the blue they write a nasty blog about you saying all these untrue horrific things.  So what do you do? You move on.. You walk away from it. The person obviously has not yet started to understand what is about to happen to them in the months ahead, but you can't help them anymore. They are beyond help and no matter what horrible things they said about you, you still wish them well and hope they can figure out what the end of the story is before its too late. "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" It should be "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but blogs can never hurt me".