I couldn't do it..

I spent the last 4 weeks watching the sex in the city series. Watching over and over how all 4 girls go from relationship to relationship. They all eventually get their happy ending, but I couldn't watch the end of the Sex and the City movie. I didn't want it to end. Carrie had just made herself a brand new self and apartment and got out of her slump from being devastated and then Bam she see's him and it goes all out the window. Is that how I am with J.? It has taken me forever to get over it. to get over him. And even now as I write this particular blog, I keep wondering to myself if this is it? Will J. come back 6 months from now and realize the mistake he made? Will I take him back at that point. As I went through who the 4 girls I epically love, I thought to myself, was any of their relationships like J? Miranda had Steve cheat on her, but he never gave up on being with her and trying over and over to get her back... Not J... Charlotte found the perfect husband who did no wrong and would never cheat on her... Not J... Samantha found a hott guy and then decided she didn't want to be in a relationship.. Not me and J and finally.. Carrie. She had Mr. Big, through all the crap and turmoil he put her through he kept trying to apologize to her, and get her to understand he was sorry.. Also not Jim. So can I ever really forgive J? Steve cheated, but they were already married and it least he admitted to it. J never admitted to me that he cheated. He never apologized for being such an asshole at my feelings or never being home. He didn't do anything extra for the relationship. No cards for important holidays, unless I begged him for one.. No jewelry for Christmas, instead a motorcycle jacket that is still hanging in my closet, mostly unused. He faked compassion and love in the beginning but after all that I went through, I can finally point out his flaws. I can finally stop taking the depression pills that don't really do anything for me anymore. Its going to be 5 months on friday that me and him have been apart, and to think we were only together for 6 months.


     The destruction that he left behind is slowly but surely getting back to normal. I no longer think about him 24/7 and I can go out with girfriends and enjoy myself, laughing and having fun. Sure I have moments where I miss him, but then I think back to before, when my expectations of a man were so much different. I yet again let myself pamper a man. I let my guard down and gave him a part of me that when he left, he took it with him. He took a part of my soul with him. A part that I can never get back. I had to rebuild what he left behind. When did women get to the point where a man ran our lives? Why can't we all be independent women anymore and not live our lives as if a man is the most important part. All the women in sex and the City were successful. They had money and wore $400 shoes. In this economy that is hard to come by, but I still think to myself. I want to be successful like that and have the commitment problem that Carrie had because she had never let a man control her life. Even Samantha didn't let a man control her life. They weren't always happy but in the end they stuck by each other to get through it.

     Everytime we go through a break-up, we learn something. How much can our hearts hold? If I think back to all my break-ups, there were only a few that were the most heartbreaking. Of course I am gonna say the "First love" D.. There is no easy way to get out of that situation. Everyone goes through it at one point. You feel like you will never love again and then you do. Up until this year, that breakup was the hardest I had ever gone through, until J. J. broke me in more ways then I care to talk about. He left me cynical of love which to some of my friends they liked it. It wasn't me but for a good long while, cynical and angry were the only emotions I could feel. I had done a lot of the crying while we were together. Sure I cried after we broke up, but I think by the time he left I just knew I was broken. I was sick and tired of worrying about him and his feelings, what about mine?