So my dream last night consisted of me opening my own day care center. I have always wanted to open my own daycare center and I guess subconsciously I was realizing it. The other part of the dream was that I was having sex in my office with a man I hardly knew, but just having lots and lots of sex... Sort of strange in a way... In all places to have sex would be in a day care center? I guess the sex part is because for the last 3 weeks I have been unable to get off as we call it because of the anti-depression pills I have been taking... Thanks to not taking them anymore... My dreams have been extravagant and I seem to feel fine.
I'm not depressed on a daily basis like I used to be, and I am actually going on a date tomorrow night... well actually technically tonight since it's 5am. I am excited but not hoping for much. If the date turns out great, then good.. If not, on to the next one. That's the thing that has changed about me. Yeah I want to find the guy for me, but not one that lies and cheats and don't talk to me. It might take another 50 guys for me to find him, but I will enjoy the ride while I get there.
I just watched 2 really good movies.. I saw "Black Swan" with Natalie Portman which was amazing and that word doesn't even describe it the way it should. The movie was about an inner conflict that rages out against all odds. Everyone thinks she is just tripping out on drugs and the movie was pointless. I on the other hand found it to be an invigorating amazing movie. There I go with that word again. haha. Those of us who have ever auditioned for a part and gotten it, understand the pressure of what it's like. She had a Jekyll and a Hyde she could not get away from. Her hyde eventually won because she dies at the end, but she felt she was perfect at the end. The inner struggle she felt was let free and she was able to be the person she wanted to be. As a performer, it's not easy to struggle with yourself. It's not easy to have someone else outdo you for the role you wanted, and be told your not good enough. Drugs don't help anything, but they certainly can calm you down at times. The inner struggle was there all along, but she suppressed it because she didn't want to deal with it. There is nothing wrong with having a dark side. The movie was to the extreme of the dark side yes, but not out of the realm of possibility. It's a zoo out there for performers. We don't have it easy.
The second movie I saw was also amazing. I finally watched Valentines Day that Jesse gave to me. I wasn't able to watch it when he gave it to me for my birthday because just the idea of a movie that said valentines day on it, made me sick to my stomach. 5 months later, I finally decided to watch it and I am glad I waited. The movie was all about love. Teenage love, Growing old love, Mother missing her son love, Homosexual love, you name it, it was in there. I liked the idea of the movie. It showed that no matter what age you are, love is imperfect.
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